LDS teen

the end

2011-12-21T00:31:00.001-07:00

When I started my blog with this incredibly embarrassing post, I intended this to be a glimpse into the life of the average Mormon teenager. Before mormon.org happened and Mitt Romney took the spotlight again, I wanted to give people an idea of what it was really like to be a Mormon.

What I didn't realize was that it would be my journey of how I left the church.

I've been having these feelings for awhile, and now I can't deny it: I don't believe this anymore. I will not be going to BYU like I planned. I will not be marrying an RM in the temple. I will not be staying in Utah.

Even though I'm currently in a relationship with Andrew, who left the church a few years ago, this has nothing to do with him. This has everything to do with me. I don't hold a grudge against people who are still members of the church. I still believe in much of what the gospel is supposed to teach. I just can't stand being part of what the church ends up being.

I don't want to hear pleas about coming back. I have had enough of my ward and all of the false things I have been taught in Seminary. I would still encourage anyone to investigate the church and see if it's the right thing for them. I just know it's no longer the right thing for me.

Hi, my name is Que. I am no longer a Mormon.

HUGE update

2011-11-24T01:16:00.001-07:00

I've been on three dates in the past week, and my dating life is getting really complicated.

I've spent the past two years of being of "dateable age" sitting at home on weekends, wishing I would be asked out more. Now, I am in the middle of some craziness.

Max and I hadn't talked for over a year, but we've recently started talking again. And by talking, I mean nonstop the entire time we're around each other. I love being around him because I feel so comfortable. It's so easy to be with him and around him, and...there's still something there.

Andrew and I are currently inseparable. Over the past two months, we have made up endless private jokes, and it's to the point where no one else even understands what we're talking about anymore. I like him. A lot. We aren't allowed to sit next to each other in any of our classes anymore because we spend the WHOLE time talking and laughing under our breath. We have yet to go on an official date though...

Sam and I have been on several dates, and he's pretty great. The first time we met, we immediately hit it off and made each other laugh. He's awkward sometimes, but he's a great person and he is so so sweet. Also, he refuses to let me pay for anything, which is funny/cute.

All of this dating/relationship stuff has made me wonder: why do I feel like my self-worth is dependent on how many dates I have been on in the past month?

I have contemplated this for awhile, and I realized that I go on more dates when I've been feeling especially confident. When I'm feeling good about myself, things just seem to work out better. And then when I've been going on dates, I feel even better about myself and therefore more confident, which leads to more dates.

Dating is weird.

church today was AWFUL.

2011-10-17T00:04:00.001-06:00

I know this is old news to LDS adults, but...today President Benson's speech (SPEECH, not conference talk) To the Mothers in Zion was taught in my Laurel class. I have heard of women getting offended during a lesson and having to leave in tears, but until today, I thought they were exaggerating. There were only a handful of girls in the room, but I cried through the whole lesson and almost walked out (why my teacher didn't stop, I don't know).

I have been raised on President Hinckley's talks of getting education and family planning my entire life. When I listened to this talk, I felt like my dreams were being ripped away, like all of those positive statements had been lies. Also, as a child of a mother who has always worked, I felt dirty. Hearing that a mother needs to be home after school, that she must be there to make lunches and clean house 24/7, made me feel like I came from a second-class family.

Today, I officially became a Mormon feminist. Today I realized how prevalent the attitude is that women need to hurry and get married and then birth as many babies as humanly possible. I want to be a wife and mother, but those are not the only things I want. I am a daughter of God. My identity is not just "woman". I am not defined by my reproductive system.

Today, I realized how much I truly crave an education. I want to go to college and get a master's degree, if possible. I want a career. I want a full and balanced life, and while that will include children, it will not be entirely comprised by it.

Thank you, President Benson, for helping me to realize exactly who I want to be. Barefoot and perpetually pregnant is not it.

post-conference thoughts

2011-10-09T20:40:00.000-06:00

Conference was pretty great, but I just have to talk about something that bothered me.

I'm thinking about Sister Dalton's talk (a short summarizing video is here). Her talk was directed to men about what they can do to better raise their daughters.I do think this talk was timely and that it was probably helpful to many men, but...as a girl whose father is not involved, it was a very difficult speech to sit through. It was also a difficult speech to sit through when it was shown again in YW.

A large part of grieving my lack of dad is understanding what I'm really missing out on. As a little kid, I didn't understand that the other kids my age saw their parents every day, or that they wanted to be with their dads all the time. Sister Dalton's talk really hammered in the dad I've always been missing out on.

When we watched this talk in YW, everyone was crying by the end of it. Everyone else said they were crying because they love their dads so much. I just stayed quiet.

this is not about 9/11 - sorry.

2011-09-11T21:04:00.003-06:00

I am overwhelmed by the thought of adulthood. I am terrifed by the choices and changes I will be making in the next few months. These are choices I make for myself - not for my mother or my brother or anyone else - but because I believe they will make me happy.

It is so scary that I cry every time I think about it, that every day of this all-important senior year brings me one step closer to living on my own. I don't know who I will be living with next September. I also don't know where I'll be living or what college I'll be attending.

I have made huge decisions this month. I have decided to read the entire Old Testament instead of the "selections" that the church suggests for this year of study in seminary, and am finished with the Pearl of Great Price and Genesis (I know, I need to pick up the pace a little). I have made the (tentative) decision to go to BYU. I have a new job. I have lost more than ten pounds. I have made the firm decision to not fight to stay in Young Women (because I could probably talk my bishop into it) and will be moving into Relief Society next month. I have made the choice to cut off all contact with my dad.

This is all so heavy, so important, so life-changing, and I am just feeling so overwhelmed.

genius idea...

2011-08-09T21:58:00.001-06:00

Currently on this blog, there is no way for you to contact me. Unless you comment on my posts (which are often far and few between), there is really no way to ask me any questions.

I have set up a formspring (where you can ask me pretty much anything you want, although I prefer questions about my religion or what it's like to be a mormon).

Come take a look.

thank you, new familysearch, for pointing it out so bluntly.

2011-08-01T22:51:00.002-06:00

(My family tree wasn't like this a few weeks ago, so I'm not sure what happened - maybe my dad's name was removed from church records? Anyway, it was definitely a shocking moment to see this laid out so plainly.)

it's time to rant again

2011-07-31T00:01:00.004-06:00

I went to Youth Conference recently and was reminded again of why living in Utah ticks me off. And now that I've calmed down enough to process it a bit...

I live in an area with huge concentrations of Mormons. I also live in an area that is very conservative. Church dances are actually discouraged where I live because many bishops in my neighborhood consider them inappropriate. (which is a whole other level of ridiculous, but...) I also live in an area where girls are not allowed to wear basketball shorts to girl's camp (because they are often worn too low. what the heck?) and where there was a huge outcry from mothers when we had a speaker tell us it's okay to wear clothes that are fitted (not tight - just fitted).

So this Youth Conference - which we did as a stake - we were given a packing list and SPECIFICALLY told we could only wear shorts that were at least knee length. But when we got to where we were staying? Suddenly the tiny shorts appeared.

I was one of about ten girls who wore shorts even close to my knee. Every other girl was wearing shorts that were completely inappropriate, distractingly immodest, and...no one said a word about it.

How is this possible? When did it become the rule that you must dress a certain way at girl's camp but not when there are boys around? How is it that no leaders were willing to ask their girls to put on other clothing?

When did we suddenly stop caring about modesty? How is it that out of 150 girls, only 10 even cared about following the rules?

We were given a speech about being virtuous and modest, and none of the girls even flinched. How did we so quickly forget the rules and guidelines set out in For the Strength of Youth? How is it that so many girls ignored the religious boundaries of modesty while at a religious activity?

What the heck?

(Also, as a random note: why are all my friends getting engaged? They're eighteen. It's ridiculous and bizarre, because most of them probably aren't ready for it.)

mormon confession

2011-07-03T20:38:00.003-06:00

"We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection." -Patricia T. Holland

I hate testimony meetings. Today was Fast Sunday (the day of fast & testimony meeting) and can I just tell you? I just don't like testimony meeting. It doesn't matter if it's EFY or girl's camp or youth conference, whether it's during seminary or just at church: I don't agree with testimony meetings.

My testimony is always changing and always developing. There are a few things that I hold to be true (that I "know") and a lot of things that I am putting my faith into (that I "believe") and there are even things that I am still just hoping are true or am still working on. And there are things that I just reject completely.

I know that God is my Heavenly Father. I know that God loves me. I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. I know Joseph Smith was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that he translated the Book of Mormon. I know that the Book of Mormon and Bible are works from God (although not perfectly translated).

I believe in the power of revelation. I believe in all of the Doctrine & Covenants (some I'm pretty sure on). I believe in the words of the prophets. I believe that Young Women is an inspired program. I believe that same-sex attraction is merely a temptation, not an intrinsic part of the soul. I believe that we can learn and grow from each experience we have, whether bad or good.

I just can't get behind the Scouting program, and I don't see the inspiration behind letting that continue. I don't believe that the 12 tribes of Israel will come to earth from another planet (believe it or not, I have actually been taught this in seminary). I don't believe that the seventh seal was opened at the millenium (also from seminary). I don't believe that America (the promised land) is any better than anywhere else. I also don't believe that our spouses are normally chosen before this life, nor the number of children that we will have (I don't believe the Saturday's Warrior stuff).

I don't like testimony meetings because everyone gets up to the front and says: I know the church is true, I know Thomas S. Monson is a true prophet, I know...for another ten minutes. (and with a bunch of I'm grateful for...but don't even get me started on that).

Do we really know all these things to be true? If so, I am seriously lacking on the testimony front. We don't know all of these things - we believe, or even hope. And for testimony meeting to be truly honest, we need to acknowledge that we don't have a perfect knowledge of everything. None of us is perfect, yet in testimony meetings those with weaker testimonies feel like they can't stand up and declare to us of their faith.

In the gospel, we are all progressing, and that should be acknowledged. No, I am not sure of every aspect of the gospel, but I am living faithfully and trying to strengthen my testimony each day. I may not know everything, but at least I'm trying.

We should acknowledge that.

(Also, testimony meeting is not the time to recount how you spent your summer vacation, give an update on how the scouts are doing, or confess all your sins. Unless you have just been baptized, converted, translated, or had any other life-altering experience, the story portion of your testimony should last less than thirty seconds.)

TODAY WAS FATHER'S DAY.

2011-06-20T00:13:00.004-06:00

My biological dad - my "real" dad - has never really been around. Although he ostensibly could see me whenever he wanted while he was still married to my mother...he didn't. Even when we lived in the same home, I had very little contact with my dad.

My parents have been divorced for 12 or 13 years now, and that time has only made my relationship with my dad even more strained. While I used to crave my father's love, I'm at the point where I really don't even care if I see him anymore because I know that nothing has changed and that it really never will.

In a Mormon setting, I am different. I can count on one hand the number of times I've used the phrase "mom and dad" in the past 12 years. I can also count on one hand the number of times I've really wanted to call my dad. Our relationship is horrible, something that my friends cannot understand.

Having a dad to talk to whenever I want is a foreign concept. Being able to ask someone in my house for a priesthood blessing whenever I want has never been an option. Daddy-daughter dates at church have been too painful, so I've never been to one. I know that Xavier would go to father-son camps, but a friend's father would always take him in, awkwardly bringing him in to a place where he didn't feel comfortable.

When I was younger, I spent summers at my cousins' house about an hour away. I loved being at their house because of my uncle, who was a faithful father and a strong religious example. Each morning he would make breakfast and read scriptures aloud to the family. At night we would gather together for a short gospel discussion and family prayer. I know that my cousins dreaded that time, but I looked forward to it anxiously every day because it was something that I never had and wanted so desperately. I would answer each of my uncle's questions, and would even offer to read scriptures. His care and attention made me feel loved, and those short months would sustain me and taught me a lot about how to live faithfully.

I don't know what it's like to have my dad teasing me, or to be embarrassed by something my dad does in front of my friends. My dad doesn't know any of my friends. He doesn't know the names of my teachers or what classes I take or even where I work.

I am so jealous of my friends who have fathers, men who care for them and are there every day supporting them and setting great examples. Sometimes, like today, I remember where I'm lacking and I get upset.

I have missed out on having a normal childhood because I had to deal with the effects of the abuse I received as a child at the hands of my father. Until recently, I would cry every time I heard a man getting angry because it would lead to flashbacks of what my father had done.

I really bonded with one of my male teachers this year - he and I developed a sort of friendship. It seems sort of pathetic when compared to a real father, but...I knew that no matter what, Mr. S would be at school every day. I could count on him to be there, and I know that he really cares about me. Mr. S has spent all school year encouraging me, advising me on colleges and how to further my education, and teaching me to be strong and hard-working. Even though it is his job, I know that Mr. S put in special effort to help me and to show me how much he cared. In one school year, he showed me more love and caring than I have seen from my father in my whole life.

Basically, dads are something I don't fully understand. I don't get what it's like to have a supportive man around all the time. I don't get what it's like to have the normal presiding father that was praised in LDS chapels today.

I am so grateful for the strong men that I have been blessed with in my life. I may have found them in unexpected places, but they have given me a glimpse of what it would be like to have a real dad, a real father.

I am pretty much healed, but that doesn't make me any less hollow. Even though the gaping wound is closed, there is still a cavity that cannot be filled, a place where I yearn for a father that I will never have. The substitutes God has blessed me with have been great, but...they just can't give me the consistency and everyday involvement that a real dad could. I'm just not their first priority. (Which is as it should be.)

I keep hearing that I am kind and smart and beautiful. My whole life, I have been tried to be good enough for my dad. But lately I have come to realize...I have always been good enough for him. I have always been worthy of praise and love and the attention that a father can give.

It's not my fault that I don't have a dad - that was the choice of someone that doesn't deserve to be in my life if he won't put in the effort.

For many people, this is a day to honor the great men in their lives, or to get away with doing nothing but watching golf while their families do things for them. But for me...it is a day where I can declare myself free of my own father. He can no longer hurt me, and his choices no longer affect my self-esteem. I am not, and will never be, my father's daughter.

Today, rather than crying, I can finally breathe.

quick status update (just kidding. I know this isn't facebook.)

2011-06-13T19:45:00.004-06:00

It's finally summer, which means hours of being bored, watching way too much TV, and working a terrible minimum-wage job. (Technically my job is less than minimum-wage, but also tax-free. That's why I can't tell you what it is.)

There are two articles on Mormonism that are big news right now, and I actually enjoyed both of them. I feel like Newsweek was much less biased and addressed both sides more than most articles on the LDS church does, and I felt like the BusinessWeek, while it briefly touched on certain issues, is relevant and brings up important issues. It is true that women are encouraged to not work outside the home, and a lot of the work ethic that I feel is pushed onto me is definitely hashed out in the BusinessWeek article. But it's summer and I don't feel like putting in the effort of going into details.

This summer is also significant because my birthday is this fall - my 18th birthday. I live in one of the wards where girls go to Relief Society once they turn 18 (some wards allow girls to wait until after they graduate high school). In less than 5 months, I will leave the extreme support of small, individualized classes of girls ages 16-18 each Sunday, having a few adults watching over me all the time, and attending activities targeted at me each week for Mutual. Instead, each Sunday I will go into a large room filled with women of all ages and we will attend class together. I will participate in the Visiting Teaching program, where I will be assigned to serve other women.

This summer, I must transition to having a completely independent testimony and I will have to make the decision of why I am attending church. I won't be attending church for the treats my leaders bring each week or the special attention I'll be receiving all the time - instead, I may fall between the cracks a bit, so the decision to go to church will instead have to be based on my own faith.

I am soon approaching the age that every adult in the church fears, and that scares me. I'm no longer just a kid - I'm becoming an adult - and as terrifying as that is, I have the next few months to deal with that head-on.

p.s. this seems super juvenile and childish after what I've just been writing about, but...I'm totally obsessed with Tyler again. We used to be like best friends, and I miss that a lot. Hopefully that changes this summer...

Marriage.

2011-05-30T00:03:00.003-06:00

One of my brothers (not Xavier) is getting married! He's been back from his mission for about 2 years, so it's not unexpected. But I figured that now would be a good time to blog about marriage and my perspective on it as a Mormon teenager.

First...an intro for those who aren't aware of Mormon culture.

It is very common to get married in your early twenties, and most Mormons are married by the time they're 25. It is not unheard of or really that uncommon to get married at 18-19...I currently have 2 friends getting married.

In some areas, young people feel huge amounts of pressure to get married, but this is mostly in Utah. I know many people in their mid-late 20s who are being set up all the time because they just "need to hurry up and get married."

It is one of the most fundamental teachings of the church that marriage is essential. Marriage is expected of everyone whenever circumstances allow, and most of the pressure to date and find a spouse falls on men. If a woman in her late 30s is unmarried no one will blame her, but a man who is even in his late 20s will get hassled constantly to hurry up and find a wife. In fact, it is considered cruel for men to not get married by their late 20s/early 30s because there are nice girls just waiting to get married.

Part of this culture is the "marriage factory", BYU. Even though BYU is a great school, it is true that many people go there because they expect to find a spouse while they attend.

However, I would like to emphasize that this pressure to marry is not universal in the church. It is most highly concentrated in Utah, and I actually come from a family (even extended) that encourages putting off marriage until at least getting an undergrad degree.

That being said...here are the questions I get the most about marriage as it relates to my religion.

Do you feel pressured to get married?

At this point, no. Of course, I'm only seventeen, and I'm sure that this will change as I get older. However, I know that I only want to marry someone that I'm sure about, and if I don't find that person until I'm 42...fine.

However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to get married. I do want a good marriage someday, and if that happens to come very early in my life, I'm also fine with that. Whenever the right guy comes along, I want to be ready to be sealed for all eternity to him.

Basically, someday I'm sure I'll feel some pressure, but that's okay, because I really do want it.

Are you really going to remain a virgin until you get married?

Yes. My church teaches this, and I wholeheartedly believe in abstinence until marriage. Here's how I see it: birth control isn't 100%, so every time you have sex, it is possible that you can conceive a baby. Why would you ever want to have a child with someone who hasn't committed to be with you forever? Why would you want to be parents with someone who isn't even committed to sticking with you?

Also, while I haven't experienced it yet, I do believe that sex is something that is private and special and sacred and should only be saved for the one. I believe that before I give all of myself to someone (and he gives all of himself to me), we should both be committed to each other and to God.

Would you ever marry a nonmember?

No. In fact, I wouldn't really feel comfortable seriously dating someone who wasn't actively involved in the LDS Church. So much of my life has been built around it, and so much of what I do each day is based on my faith in my religion. I can't imagine sharing my life with someone who didn't have those same convictions. Also, I want my children to be raised in this church by a committed and strongly religious father (which I didn't have). I personally just wouldn't be able to handle being married to a nonmember.

Would you ever marry someone after knowing them for just a few months?

Okay, so short engagements are also a part of Mormon culture...many people know each other for 3-4 months (or less), have a 3-4 month engagement (or shorter) and then get married. I know people who have been married after knowing each other for less than 3 months. I also know couples who dated for 2 years before getting engaged.

However, a lot of this comes down to abstinence. Truth be told, when you are really in love (and really hormonal since you're basically still teenagers), it is really hard to not have sex. A lot of the short engagement is for couples who "can hardly wait", and some couples don't even make it those few months.

I know that many people have had successful marriages after knowing each other for just a few months, but because of my background, I just don't think I could do it. My mother and I have talked a lot about why my parents' marriage failed, and in order to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes they did, I think I would have to know my future spouse for awhile before we got married.

That being said...sometimes you just know, and someday I may eat my words. Who knows what will happen in the next few years. My patriarchal blessing does mention specific things about my husband (and I'll get to the 'soul mate' thing in a minute) and how I will know we should be married and if I find him early on, I may make the commitment quickly.

Do you believe there is one 'soul mate' for everyone?

No. If that were the case and your soul mate made bad decisions, it wouldn't be fair to you. I do believe that youth in the church have certain experiences and are prepared to marry certain types of people, but I believe that there are several people for everyone. If you are lucky enough to find one of those people that you just 'click' with, then you can make your marriage work. Yes, I do know of specific situations where two people were especially prepared to be with each other, but I do not think that it's true for everyone.

When do you think you'll get married?

I want to serve a mission (girls leave for 18 months when they're at least 21 years old), but lately I have been feeling that I might not get that opportunity. That may not mean that I'll get married by 21...but I feel like that may be true for me. Lately, I have had the spirit suggest to me multiple times that I may be being prepared to get married young. If that is the case, I will do it gladly.

But things could change, I could make different choices...and to be honest, the age doesn't matter to me too much at this point. Until I get the feeling that I should marry a certain guy, I will continue to prepare for marriage (and motherhood, but that post will come later) and keep myself worthy for a marriage in the temple, whenever that time comes.

a thought on gratitude

2011-05-16T22:03:00.002-06:00

I spend so much of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When I think of my childhood and the kind of life I used to have, I realize how blessed I am to have been brought out of that situation. I was in a dark place. I have seen things that no child should see, have been through trials that many adults I know have never had to experience.

It seems to me that the Lord is giving me a few years of reprieve - everything in my life seems to be going right. I feel like I'm living a charmed life, to be honest.

I know that these few years were given to me to recover and to prepare. I have this time to learn about Him, to strengthen my faith and knowledge in the gospel.

I am so blessed to have this time, these in-between years where I am so incredibly blessed and it seems like everything is going right.

It makes me wonder what's coming...and how soon those things will begin to hit me.

But why should I keep waiting for the shoe to drop? I should be reveling in this time, in which I have the luxury of just being a kid, which I didn't get as a child. I should be reveling in this time when everything is going right. I should be living in the moment and thanking the Lord constantly for it.

oh gosh guys.

2011-05-08T02:01:00.004-06:00

My life has been too dramatic lately.

The good news: I made madrigals again!

The bad news: So did Andrew. (not the "good" one).

The good news: Leon and Tyler both like me. in that way.

The bad news: I am no longer remotely attracted to either one of them.

The good news: I finished reading the Doctrine & Covenants before the seminary year ended.

The bad news: I have been confronted with the polygamy doctrines for the first time. I have no idea what to make of them.

The good news: I feel better about myself than I have in months.

The bad news: I gained 10 pounds.

The good news: Fervent study and prayer have made me much more confident about my two AP tests.

The bad news: Are you kidding?! There is no downside to fervent prayer :-)

late easter post

2011-04-30T19:34:00.004-06:00

I know it is way too late to talk about Easter, but I have the perfect song for it! The first time I heard this song, it literally changed my life.

The lyrics:

Mary Speaks

O you who bear the pain of the whole earth, I bore you.
O you whose tears gave human tears their worth, I laughed with you.
You, who when your hem is touched, give power, I nourished you.
Who turn the day to night in this dark hour, light comes from you.
O you who hold the world in your embrace, I carried you.
Whose arms encircled the world with your grace, I once held you.
O you who laughed and ate and walked the shore, I played with you.
And I, who with all others, you died for, now I hold you.
May I be faithful to this final test, in this last hour I hold my child, my son;
His body close enfolded to my breast:
The holder held, the bearer borne.
Mourning to joy, darkness to morn.
Open, my arms; your work is done.
-Madeleine L'Engle

What I love about Easter, about the story of the Atonement and Resurrection, is that there are so many perspectives and stories of faith. I love having Mary's perspective. It moves me to tears every time.

Conference! (finally.)

2011-04-14T22:07:00.002-06:00

First: I cried during The Spirit of God in the Sunday morning session. It was incredibly moving. Actually, all of the music this time was just great.

Second: I think all of the marriage references were definitely necessary. From the returned missionaries I know, I definitely see the trend of having a "second senior year", where the guys aren't serious about anything.

Third: I caved, and I read some conference commentary about the YW session. I want to talk about all the controversy over "guardians of virtue". I was not offended or discouraged by the message that girls are guardians of virtue. I feel like Sister Dalton's message is very timely and necessary.

Many of the girls I know feel that it is necessary to dress immodestly, be extremely loud, or violate church standards in order to be noticed by guys. They change themselves because they equate the attention of guys with love. They want relationships and are willing to alter themselves to do it.

Unfortunately, many of these alterations are not virtuous changes. It seems to me that by advocating a protection of virtue, Sis. Dalton is also helping girls to be able to have healthy relationships with guys, to not be "starved for love". By remaining virtuous, girls will attract the attention of great guys and actually end up happier.

A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with a group of guys when a girl came by in extremely immodest clothes and screaming loudly in order to gain their attention. One of the guys actually muttered to me that "she needs to put some clothes on". This moment shocked me, because it was one of those times that I realized that there are guys out there with the right intentions, who really do want a virtuous girl.

There are guys out there who want me to be a guardian of virtue. And I love it.

Finally: President Holland's talk (last session) really touched me. "If we teach by the Spirit and you listen by the Spirit, some one of us will touch on your circumstance, sending a personal prophetic epistle just to you. Brothers and sisters, in general conference we offer our testimonies in conjunction with other testimonies that will come, because one way or another God will have His voice heard."

I had a bit of a spiritual epiphany: I don't have a huge spiritual awakening every time I read the scriptures. I don't read the scriptures every day because they change my life every day. I read my scriptures because every once in awhile, I read something that changes my perspective, almost like a diamond in the rough. President Holland's talk reminded me of this: I'm not spiritually moved every moment of Conference...but it is those diamonds in the 10 hours of rough that will change me, that will carry me through the next 6 months. The marriage guidance may not have been pointed at me, but other talks were truly prophetic counsel targeted at me.

I could go on, but overall? Great conference. It's totally worth it to watch it if you still haven't.

Just so you know...

2011-04-06T17:43:00.002-06:00

I know this is supposed to be a post about conference, but I haven't had time to watch all of the sessions yet and I'm still forming an opinion.

Not much has been happening lately, but I do want to say one thing...

guys should always have a jacket with them so that a girl can borrow it. Because walking a mile home with a guy while you wear his jacket is definitely a cute/romantic moment.

I have been having a boy-crazy month, actually, but nothing has really come of it. No boyfriends, no first kisses...although there was definitely some hand-holding involved.

I just love high school.

conference!

2011-03-27T21:26:00.004-06:00

General Conference started this Saturday with the Young Women's Session.

While it wasn't as incredible as last year's, the session was still great, although not revolutionary. Sexting was mentioned for the first time (and it's about time), and if you want to catch the highlights, I would recommend Sister Dalton's talk. A lot was said about being virtuous and setting an example, and I feel like Sis. Dalton's message was helpful, especially as a Laurel. Overall, pretty great.

I usually like to blog about the questions I am praying about before conference, and then explain how they are answered or give my general thoughts on conference. Unfortunately, that won't be possible this year because I have been invited to go to the first session (Saturday AM) with my RM brother and his friends. After that, I won't have access to TV or a computer for a couple of days, so there will be no analysis from me.

I am curious to see what my reaction to conference will be watching it a few days later, though. For the first time in a couple of years, I will not be reading live commentary while watching, and I have made the decision to not read any commentary until I have seen all of the sessions this year.

Will my opinions change? I hope that I will be able to focus on the positive parts of conference, ignore the "controversies", and form my own opinions about what is said.

this is more like a facebook status, but...

2011-03-23T23:38:00.001-06:00

Group dates are great. So today was awesome.

I'm telling the truth here...

2011-03-20T19:20:00.002-06:00

being Mormon is hard. Sometimes, being a Mormon is so difficult that all I literally feel like there is nothing left for me to do.

I have finally become disillusioned with the Young Women's program. I originally thought that it was this incredible, foolproof program with leaders that were constantly receiving inspiration for me and always knew what to do.

But they don't. My leaders aren't perfect, and are often not right. I'm at the point where I've heard every lesson three times already, I know every object lesson, and know exactly what issues will be skirted around in every lesson. At this point, I don't go to church to learn - I go to church to say the exact right things at the right time so that the younger girls will learn. I ask the questions that other girls are too embarrassed to ask and answer questions when no one else is willing to.

Why do I keep going to church when I feel like I really don't need to? Because through all of this, my faith is still intact. I fully believe in the gospel, and I still have a testimony of the church.

It's just right now, it feels like I have to do a lot of self-studying to compensate.

a HUGE rant on how ridiculous my ward is.

2011-02-22T13:44:00.001-07:00

(I will refer to Young Womens as YW in this post because it will make it much easier to type.)

"As a Young Women leader you are called to assist parents and priesthood leaders in guiding a young woman on the path to the temple."

That is the reason we go to YW each week: to be taught and prepared to go to the temple.

YW is NOT a place for leaders to come and create a high school drama. It is NOT a place for them to be offended by each other, have confrontations during class, and ask to be released from their callings rather than deal with "that woman" again. YW is NOT a gossip circle, nor is it a place to make rude comments behind the girls' backs.

A YW leader's job is to help a girl's parents to prepare her for the temple.

It is NOT her job to act like the girl's mother, tell her what to do, or tell her that she is "disregarding Heavenly Father's standards" when she is doing something that is not discouraged by the church. A YW leader should NOT impose her family rules on the girls, especially when they are more strict than the rules of the girl's family (e.g. tell her that all of her shorts must at least go to her knee).

My leaders have not stuck to these guidelines, and now going to YW is almost unbearable. The leaders now get caught up in "who is more righteous" contests, and they associate being righteous with being more conservative. They are constantly being offended by a "breach of church standards" when such a standard doesn't exist. They have become so enraptured with Mormon culture that they have set aside the LDS gospel (except, wait, saying Mormon is "offensive and goes against the teachings of the church").

I'm sick of it, and I have strong opinions on what is right (like that I could go on a 20-minute rant on whether conservatism is religious devotion right now). I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I spoke my opinion (in this case, that emphasizing the body parts you like the most is NOT immodest). I also ranted a little on how we shouldn't have to always dress like we're wearing garments because the truth is, we're not. We haven't made that covenant and therefore are not obligated to keep it (although dressing like we're wearing garments most of the time is good preparation for the future).

When I had finally said all I had to say (and, okay, judgmental and unChristlike may have made it in there once or twice...), I discovered something: my leaders are afraid of me. Just because I look at the church's teachings and my own beliefs with a critical eye, my leaders are intimidated by me.

This is the first time in my life where I have felt like I had power over an adult. My leaders are so conservative and afraid of other views that they are now worried about what kind of things I'll say to the other girls.

I'm at the point where I feel like I may fit in better in Relief Society: there will be just as much judgment, gossip, and drama, but at least the women won't be afraid of me there.

why I'm doing nothing for Valentine's Day and why I don't care.

2011-02-14T17:51:00.004-07:00

No one asked me out for Valentine's Day. I don't really date much (like, at all) and I can count the number of dates I've been on one hand.

When I first turned sixteen, this really bugged me. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't going out, why I was sitting by myself on Saturday nights watching old Sandra Bullock movies.

Now, I don't really care that I'm the girl who never gets asked out, because I know my role in high school: the friend.

I know tons of guys and have no problem talking to any of them. I'm just always the friend. When I'm hanging out with a group of people and we're watching an Adam Sandler movie, I'm the one laughing along with all of the guys while the other girls just sit there. When everyone is freaking out about Jerry Sloan leaving the Jazz mid-season, I'm the only girl who even knows what Ty Corbin looks like. When guys are talking about 70s rock, I'm the only girl who can name more than two Styx songs. I don't carry a purse, I don't need an hour of notice before hanging out so I can finish up my makeup, and I don't spend all of my time at the mall or on Facebook.

Right now, the only guys who think they are "ready" to date are chasing after gorgeous girls like my little sister, Mandy. (I love Mandy, but we are very different.) On the other hand, there are guys (mostly my friends) who aren't quite ready to date yet and just need a bit more time. Just a few days ago, a friend told me that he liked Mandy - until he got to know her.

This is where the genius of being "the friend" lies: while the guys who are just interested in kissing chase after the girls who spend way too much time on their makeup and making sure there are no unflattering pictures of themselves on their Facebook profiles, the guys who are becoming more mature and waiting until they're really ready to date are sitting at home just like I am.

One day (probably after high school), when we're both sufficiently ready for a relationship, I'll start really dating. And then, when I get married, I will have a much easier time adjusting and getting along with my husband than the girls who spent their entire high school career dating different guys instead of learning about themselves.

While the "pretty" girls will be married to some hot RM, I will be married to my best friend.

And that's why spending Valentine's Day alone my junior year of high school is just fine with me.

I don't have time to write because of so much family time!

2011-02-06T22:25:00.002-07:00

But just for the record? Having Xav ier home is AWESOME.

(I may have cried when I saw him coming down the escalator at the airport.)

The change in him...is crazy. That my brother who used to spend all of his time on his Xbox or hanging out with friends setting things on fire could be the man I saw bear his testimony today is a miracle.

Give me a couple weeks to process it and I'll write about it more, but for now...I will marvel at the light I see in my brother.

being a dumb girl

2011-01-31T20:20:00.003-07:00

I know it's completely ridiculous and stupid, but...

I miss Andrew. A lot. It seems like he's everywhere I go, and every time I see him I wish I could just run up to him and talk like nothing happened.

The thing about Andrew was that I completely cut him off. I haven't said a word to him since June. Now I realize that I never should have done that - it's cruel and unfair to both of us.

I totally miss him. I hope he'll be friends with me again, because it's hard going on without him.

when society backfires

2011-01-18T23:29:00.002-07:00

My favorite day of the school year (okay, it happens twice) is when we have a blood drive at school.

You see, every other day, girls like me (who are a little bit heavier) feel criticized and sometimes even ostracized for our looks. Guys pass over us as they go to talk to the girls who seem impossibly skinny, the ones who claim they "eat all the time" or use drugs to get to their goal weight.

People with an underweight BMI aren't allowed to donate blood. The best day of the year is when a good fifty percent of the girls at school cannot donate blood because they're considered malnourished.

Even though society claims otherwise, I'm the one with the healthy body. And it's awesome.

I know that I shouldn't be giving political opinions, but...

2011-01-16T21:47:00.002-07:00

There are some people in Utah who want to make it legal for every adult to carry a concealed gun, even without a permit.

I am terrified of guns. I don't like having them around, because even the idea that someone next to me has the power to kill me in seconds, whether it's intentional or not, is absolutely disturbing.

Also, I know someone with a mental illness who has a concealed carry permit. It scares me that he has a gun. I don't think he would ever use it on anyone else, but in the right situation, I think he would use it on himself.

And in the light of the tragedy in Arizona, I find it horrifying that someone wants to make guns even more available.

I know that Utah is a strongly Republican state, but this is getting ridiculous.

Let's talk about God.

2011-01-09T20:35:00.002-07:00

As in God the Father. There are a few thoughts that I have about him today.

First: I know that there is a lot of heated discussion about Heavenly Mother and Her role. There are complaints that we don't know anything about Her, that anything mentioned is only in passing, and that She just isn't acknowledged apart from "heavenly parents".

But how often do we mention Heavenly Father and only discuss Him? He is only quoted four times in all of scripture, and the line of who does what in the godhead is often blurred. The God spoken of in the entire Old Testament is Jesus Christ. The Creation was done by Jesus Christ. When we talk of the Atonement, we generally only talk about what Jesus Christ did for us. When using the word God, we are generally speaking of Jesus, and this is often true when we say Heavenly Father, too.

To be honest, we rarely mention God the Father. To me, the dearth of information about Heavenly Mother really is about the same as the dearth of information about Heavenly Father. (A lot of this lesson, especially the heading We Can Learn about Heavenly Father by Learning about Jesus Christ, shows this.)

God the Father does hold some mystery for me, but right now...that's okay.

"For do we not read that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing?" -Mormon 9:9

I know how this scripture is usually interpreted: that God doesn't change, that His laws are eternal (which are totally true), although certain directives might (have you eaten any pork lately?).

But we don't believe that God has always been this way. The church teaches that God was once a man (see the second answer on this page). He may be unchangeable now that He is God, but that description didn't always apply to Him.

But the way that I interpret this teaching, the way that can only be fully understood by someone with a father like mine, is that God will never change from good to bad. His nature will never change - He will never decide that He doesn't believe in the Plan of Salvation anymore. He will never stop loving us.

And most importantly, He will never leave.

God will never change His mind and decide that something else is more important to Him. He will never let us down. He will never hurt us, manipulate us, or lead us astray. He will always love me. He will always be there for me.

And that will never change.

retrospective advice

2011-01-06T00:24:00.002-07:00

If tomorrow were my first day of high school, here's what I would tell myself:

Your phone won't immediately ring off the hook the day you turn sixteen. In fact, your first date will be a couple of months after your birthday - but don't worry about it. High school group dates are often awkward and nothing to worry for weeks over.

You really don't want a relationship in high school. The guy won't be half as interested as you are, and you really won't get anywhere with that. Just face it: at this point, basketball is more important to a guy than you. And that's okay.

Make as many friends as you can, as soon as you can. Be friendly to everyone, and really try to be more outgoing. The extra effort will be worth it.

Get as involved as possible as soon as possible. Be willing to try anything that you're interested in, and if your friends think it's weird, guess what? Your new friends won't.

Start good study habits and pay attention in class. The guy next to you really isn't worth it.

Your self-worth is not dependent on how many friends or boyfriends you have. You are awesome, and maybe your time just hasn't come yet.

Don't be self-conscious. Just be yourself and learn to love it.

resolutions...

2010-12-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

...that will probably last about 2-3 months. But at least they'll be helpful then, right?

1 - no more soda. well...maybe one diet soda a week. :)

2 - listen to one whole song each day, without interruption and without thinking about anything else. just take the 4-7 minutes to relax and focus.

3 - spend at least 15 minutes, six days a week, doing any sort of physical activity (stretching included.)

4 - pray at least five times a day (this isn't as hard as it sounds. some days I do way more than this, but some days it only happens once or twice.)

5 - if I'm not hungry, I won't eat it.

Now, for my goals of the year (what I need to have done by the end of this year)

1 - get into madrigals again

2 - get a job that pays more than $7 an hour

3 - apply to colleges

4 - finish my graduation requirements

5 - lose 20 pounds (1/3 a pound a week is not that bad)

let's talk about culture.

2010-12-28T19:49:00.004-07:00

I don't care what anyone else says: growing up in Utah is completely different from any other type of upbringing. I'm not going to get into too many details here, but you know what I'm talking about: huge, conservative families in identical suburbs, where everyone is perfect and "keeps the commandments" until we hit fourteen: then a lot of kids rebel, getting hardcore into drugs or going to college parties all the time, while the other kids are "perfect," some dating for six months before they even kiss. Then, by the time we're 25, most of us are married with kids, starting the cycle all over again.

I know that Mormon culture is a big joke, that there are plenty of stereotypes. I've been in on six-hour Settlers of Catan marathons. I've probably eaten enough funeral potatoes to feed an African nation. I am VL. (You're not from Utah if you don't know what that means.) I've been babysitting since I was a child, and I've been going to wedding and baby showers regularly since I was seven.

But you know what? I like it.

I want to go to BYU and get married young (although I'd like to go on a mission first.) I want to raise my kids based on family prayer and scripture study. And on that tangent, I want a bunch of kids (five or six?) in a minivan or suburban. I want big family dinners and Sunday walks. I want to make my own pizza dough and big casseroles.

I want the stereotypical Mormon life. And I'm not ashamed of it. Other people can choose different paths, and I don't want to deny them that. I know that people make fun of this life...but I love it.

*Except for the stereotypical dumb mothers who don't even know about their own religion and go on crazy shopping sprees. I don't want any Seriously So Blessed.*

2010-12-21T19:48:00.003-07:00

My head is buzzing. I feel like I should be writing some deep, meaningful post about Christmas, and those feelings are in there, but...I just can't manage it right now.

My brain is stuck on friends and guys, on family drama and dating.

All of this is just too much for my brain to handle.

I am so, so happy. But now it's hard being apart from my friends, from not being around Troy. We've spent pretty much every day together (including Sundays) for the past two weeks, (I even met his parents) so...it's weird just sitting at home.

I haven't seen my dad in months, and Christmas is going to be so awkward with him. The good news is that I'll get to talk to my brother on the phone.

"Normal life" isn't normal anymore. I try to focus on things, but memories keep flashing through my head: flirting with Troy while we walk through Temple Square, him walking me to class every day, his hand around my waist...

I'll get around to writing something meaningful...eventually.

quick catch-up

2010-12-19T21:44:00.004-07:00

The last couple of weeks have been CRAZY. I'm talking about weeks of no sleep, bipolar emotions, and some of the most fun days of my life.

I stormed out of a room crying one day. I don't ever cry in public.

I smacked TWO different guys in the face. I don't even want to begin to explain what happened in either situation.

I intentionally swore for the first time in my life. (This was no slip of the tongue.)

I broke the Sabbath. Repeatedly.

I lost ten pounds, then gained most of it back.

I developed, then dropped, crushes on three different guys.

I pretty much stopped trying in school. My grades tanked.

Almost every single one of my friends has changed.

I stopped reading my scriptures because I now have a spiritual experience/confirmation pretty much anytime I sing. And I was exhausted.

My brother will be home from his mission in just a few weeks.

My other brother is unexpectedly engaged.

And did I mention that I'm sort of with Troy now?

:)

spiritual experiences in unexpected places.

2010-12-06T19:16:00.001-07:00

I love being a teenager, because I have incredible opportunities to have religious and spiritual experiences in situations that never had a chance to happen when I was younger.

This week was the first time I've ever prayed alone with a guy. (This sounds so cheesy and like it's supposed to mean something else, but I promise it's not.) But I can't explain to you the connection with God that I felt as this guy prayed, as we talked to Him together.

I stood in choir a few days ago, singing traditional Christmas songs, when I suddenly got it. I finally understood the incredible blessing it is to be able to sing my faith to others, to share my testimony, and most incredibly, while I'm still at school (which is why Once in Royal David's City is pretty much the coolest song ever).

The first time I attended a morningside (a fireside held before school, with tons of seminary kids), the collective feeling of love of the gospel was crazy - almost as awesome as when you hear all of the missionaries singing at the MTC.

The first time I sat next to a guy my own age during sacrament meeting was one of those times, too, along with my first seminary class, the first time I went to the temple with friends, etc.

Why do these things help strengthen my faith so much? I think it's because to me, church has always been a family-based topic, something that isn't discussed with anyone else, and in my family, the gospel is rarely discussed at home anyway. So these spiritual experiences with people who aren't in my family or my ward help me to realize that faith is so much more than something to be discussed at home - it's something to be lived, something that I have in common with so many people that I'm around. And faith is everything.

2010-11-05T20:52:00.000-06:00

I know that everyone keeps talking about this issue (if you live in Utah). I know that by now, everyone is probably sick of talking about President Packer's talk, but...I feel like I need to write about my own view of same-sex attraction, whether it's church doctrine or not.

A very close family member of mine (we'll call her Mary) struggles with same-sex attraction. She is past child-bearing age and has never married.

Mary is one of the sweetest women that I have ever met, and seeing her struggle is unbelievably heart breaking.

Since she's single, it's much cheaper for Mary to have roommates.

Unfortunately, this has caused terribly sad misunderstandings between Mary and her roommates, where her best friends thought their relationships were more than they really were.

Mary would absolutely love to have children, and she sometimes cries when she sees the kids of family members, because her desire to be a mother is so strong. One of my cousins actually named her daughter after Mary.

I love Mary, and my heart hurts for her when I think of the struggles that she has endured just because of the way that she was born. The desire to be with a man just isn't there, and it has caused unbelievable heartbreak.

However, she is an example to me of incredible strength. She knows that if she acts on the desire to be with other women, she will have committed a huge sin, and she has kept herself free from relationships with other women all her life.

She has endured years of loneliness, of wishing she had what others did. But she is incredible, and doesn't deserve any less love or consideration than anyone else.

Is it wrong to be in a homosexual relationship? Absolutely.
But it is not wrong to be born with an attraction to your same gender. Just like I have been born with a tendency toward addictions, Mary has been born with a tendency to break the law of chastity.
But as long as we watch ourselves, we won't be in trouble - we aren't doing anything wrong.

change of heart

2010-10-04T20:28:00.002-06:00

Politically, I am a bit more liberally-minded than the rest of the church. In fact, I am much more liberal than most church members.

And because I'm smart, because I study the scriptures and read commentary on the church, I felt that I had to have the same approach to the gospel.

I felt that I had to disagree with some of the church's teachings for the sake of liberal views, because this is the view of many liberal church members.

But this weekend, I realized that I can have a conservative view on the church. It's okay if I believe that homosexuality is a sin, because that is the way that I feel. It's okay that I believe wholeheartedly in the Word of Wisdom and the Proclamation on the Family even if some question their basis as commandments.

I accept the church and its conservative ideas, and that's okay. If people want to believe that the apostles are wrong when they say things in General Conference, that's their business.

But as for me, I will follow the declared words of the prophet (and seers and revelators).

letters home

2010-09-30T23:18:00.003-06:00

Dad,

I am really angry at you. I resent you. There are things you have done that aren't fair. Today I learned that about 2/3 of babies born today will have their father missing for at least part of their lives. You are one of those men. Because of you, I have been the one who hasn't always had a dad, the one who sits alone at daddy/daughter church activities. It's hard for me, because you really aren't around. You aren't even allowed to come to my parent teacher conferences or my school. There are things that you have said that are nearly impossible to forgive, things you have done that you can never compensate for. It's easier to hate you than love you, and I hate having to work at this relationship. It strains me, and I am really sick of it. I do feel bitter, and you make me angry. Yet at the same time, the more I shut you out, the more I miss you.

Que

Dear Xavier,

I miss you so much. You'll be home in a few months, but it still seems like such a long time. So much has happened since you left, a lot of things that we'll have to talk about when you get home. I wish you were here right now. You could always give me advice and help me sort out my problems, but you can't right now. You can't be there to talk me through things and to tell me what it is that I need to do. I never realized how much I needed you until you left. This time has completely changed me, and although it has made me stronger, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that when you come home we'll have both changed so much that we won't get along anymore. But every time that I get to talk to you on the phone (the last time was on Mother's Day) we get back into that rhythm so quickly that I know we'll be okay. I just wish you were here, because right now I need you to be my rock.

Love,
Que

paradigm shift

2010-09-26T19:39:00.003-06:00

Have you ever felt like you completely understood something, that you had examined it over and over and it totally made sense, and then realized that you completely had it wrong?

That's what happened with me and the church this week. Not my testimony necessarily, but with my belief of the organization of the church.

Did you know the prophet is fallible?
"We make no claim of individual infallibility or perfection as the prophets, seers, and revelators." -James E. Faust
It makes sense now that I think about it, but it had never occurred to me that the prophet isn't perfect, that he can say or do things that are mistakes.

Did you know that the Book of Mormon isn't perfect?
"When God speaks to the people, he does it in a manner to suit their circumstances and capacities.... Should the Lord Almighty send an angel to re-write the Bible, it would in many places be very different from what it now is. And I will even venture to say that if the Book of Mormon were now to be re-written, in many instances it would materially differ from the present translation. According as people are willing to receive the things of God, so the heavens send forth their blessings." -Brigham Young
With the 8th Article of Faith and popular quotes [see first sentence of this link], I made a major assumption about the Book of Mormon: that everything in it is perfect, which totally isn't true.

Nothing is perfect but God. Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are perfect...but nothing else is.

I had never realized this before.

I want to emphasize, though: I never said that the gospel is imperfect. The gospel is perfect, its plan and truths are perfect...it's just the way we get there that isn't quite there yet.

tender mercies this week

2010-09-19T22:14:00.002-06:00

1 - I started off feeling great about everything this week: my family, friends, school, religion, and I felt like it couldn't get better.

2 - I started to get this huge doubt in my mind about the differences I see between God in the Book of Mormon and the Old Testament. So I asked my seminary teacher about it, and he gave me this really lame answer.

That night, I prayed that God would prompt my teacher to further answer my question the next day. And he did! He really brought me a better understanding.

3 - I started to read on a blog about the church's patriarchal system. I was doubting that whole situation, especially with the word "hearken"...but then I found out what hearken actually means (listen respectfully) and my doubts were settled.

4 - I got a good kick in the pants at one of my church meetings today. I have been passing judgments on others, and I haven't been as great of a friend as I should be.

5 - I've been worried about how almost all of my friendships consist of me always giving and the other person always taking. But then I was reminded today that I have that same relationship with the Savior: He always gives, and I always take. So I felt way better.

Basically, God answered a lot of my prayers (and even a few more answers that I'm not going to put on here) so I am feeling great.

what I wish the church would change in the youth programs

2010-09-12T19:54:00.004-06:00

It would be awesome if the YW program didn't spend all of their budget on "craft supplies" or on buying twice as much food as necessary for Girl's Camp. It would be awesome if we could do some Mutual activities that aren't "plan your wedding" or "we were too lazy to come up with an activity so here are some treats and now you can go home".

The YM go on scouting overnighters, on high adventures, on Priest retreats.

Where are the YW sleepovers or campouts? Where are the Laurel retreats?

Also, it's about time the church got rid of the scouting program. Guess what? A lot of guys aren't interested in Scouts. I personally know boys who didn't get a single merit badge, and they turned out fine. My current ward puts a huge emphasis on scouting, and guess what? Even though we have a lot of Eagle Scouts, a lot of those 18-year-olds aren't going to be serving missions.

The Duty to God program is there for a reason, yet it isn't seen as important by many people. Duty to God and Personal Progress should be equally important, which definitely isn't the case where I live. The Personal Progress program doesn't get much attention, anyway. Only one girl has earned her award in the past three years.

"The youth of the Church are hungry for things of the spirit; they are eager to learn the Gospel, and they want it straight, undiluted. They want to know about the fundamentals I have just set out--about our beliefs; they want to gain testimonies of their truth; they are not now doubters but inquirers, seekers after truth." -J. Reuben Clark

Please stop giving us lessons that don't mean anything. The way the Mutual and youth programs are run often set the bar low. Many of us want to actually learn at church. I don't want another Sunday School teacher who tries to be cool, or another YW lesson on Keep the Commandments.

I know that some kids are going to skip if church is about the gospel. But you know what? Church isn't about eating cookies. Mutual isn't about trying to keep all of the girls there so they don't sneak away to go get ice cream at Arctic Circle. I'm sick of attending my youth meetings where the gospel is treated as the lame thing to talk about.

Please, just give it to me straight. I want to learn and grow in the gospel, but I'm not getting that at church. It often comes from Seminary lessons, many times just from my own personal study.

These are my last two years before I have to live on my own, and soon I'll have a life where there's much less time to learn basic doctrines of the church. I just want to learn.

9/11

2010-09-11T15:48:00.002-06:00

I know that I was really young nine years ago. I know that I'm not expected to remember it, that this day isn't really supposed to mean much to me. But it does. 9/11 was one of the days that has changed me, that I'll always remember, that shaped my childhood.

I was asleep when it happened, not even up for school yet. My mom woke me up and told me that a tower had fallen, but I had never heard of the Twin Towers. I was just seven years old, and I didn't understand that people were already at work. Xavier was downstairs watching the news, and he told us that another tower had fallen.

I didn't understand what any of it meant, and I just got ready for school. When I got to class, no one could stop talking about it. That's when my teacher told us that we were not to talk about what had happened, and that we wouldn't ever talk about it. We didn't.

I was so young when 9/11 happened that when we played with blocks, we would knock over our towers with "airplanes", not understanding what that meant. But I'm also old enough that I remember being able to go into an airport past security, and when there wasn't a terrorist threat level.

I didn't feel the shock and fear that adults did. I didn't really understand what happened until much later. But I have always been familiar with "moments of silence", of extreme security measures, of wars in the Middle East.

Even though it's different, it still means something to me.

political spectrum

2010-09-09T21:49:00.003-06:00

There's the normal political spectrum, socialism/capitalism, liberal/conservative, right/left.

When it comes to prominent Mormons, you've got Harry Reid/Glenn Beck and then the FLDS waaaaaaaaaaaaaay over here.

What? You say that FLDS aren't Mormon? Well, they believe in many of the same tenets. They have many of the same basic practices. They can be classified as "Mormon". But I don't think anyone would consider them mainstream LDS in any way.

Well, I recently read about this situation. It really just hurts me, mostly because I know that anti-Islam sentiment is very common in the U.S.

The people involved in 9/11 were not mainstream Islam. Normal Muslim people aren't affiliated with them in any way, yet they are being persecuted and ostracized. I personally love Islam. I think it's an incredible religion with many of the same truths that that the Church has. Never have I been afraid of a man in a turban or a woman wearing hijab, because I know that the average Muslim isn't harmful or violent, but in fact the opposite.

The funny thing about this is that I don't think that all Americans or all evangelical Christians would burn a Quran. It would just be the extremists.

See a pattern? We all have our crazies.

That doesn't mean we can't accept everyone else.

prayer

2010-08-31T22:10:00.002-06:00

My secret trick to evening prayer:

1) Start with ten things you are grateful for that happened that day. If you start at the beginning of the day, you've basically recounted the entire day by the time you get through the ten (or more) things.

1 - I didn't nod off once during morning scripture study
2 - I felt the Spirit strongly in Seminary today
3 - I had a good friend lift my spirits with a compliment
4 - I understand my science class for once
5 - I ate lunch with friends I hadn't seen in awhile
6 - I totally understood my math assignment (well, mostly)
7 - I got along well with my sister today
8 - I bought a new CD I'm in love with
9 - I finished all of my homework earlier than expected
10 - I started singing in the car, and sounded way better than I usually do, and got to go on a drive, which made me extremely happy.

2) List five mistakes you made that day - even tiny ones. If I neglect to say hi to someone, or don't handle a situation in the best way I could, I count that as a mistake. Then talk about how you'll fix things the next day.

1 - I didn't say hi to one of my friends in the hall
2 - I got angry at my sister
3 - I didn't listen well to my friends today
4 - I monopolized a group conversation and should've let other people talk more
5 - I spent time procrastinating on the computer

(I like to count these first two parts on my fingers)

3) Tell Him what else you're grateful for, or what else happened that day.

I am so happy about my incredible friends! I also got a lot of scripture reading done today.

4) Pray for things that you hope will happen tomorrow.

I hope that tomorrow I will be more friendly/outgoing and make a new friend.

5) Pray for the people you need to.

Please bless the missionaries, my bishopric, the general authorities, my church leaders...

6) End.

***Since I started doing this awhile ago, I have been so much happier! Each day is incredible, and I know a lot of this stems from an awesome prayer each night.

And by the way: a few days ago, I set the goal to finish the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. It will be hard, but I can do it.

Agency

2010-08-30T15:10:00.002-06:00

Usually when you hear the word agency, what do you think of?

It's probably what I think of: Choose the Right, or Hold to the Rod, or Never Fall off of the Straight and Narrow.

To me, agency is often a topic that is used as a threat: if you don't choose the right, you'll end up on drugs with ten illegitimate children or something like that.

So I absolutely love this scripture: "Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life."

This tells us to be excited about our agency, to love it! And it's because we are free to choose. And when I say that, I mean that we are free to choose, regardless of our circumstances.

This is so incredible to me! Even if I come from the worst circumstances, I don't have to make those mistakes, because I am free to choose. Even if all of my family has made a choice that isn't the best, I don't have to, because I am free to choose.

I love this idea of agency so much. Yes, I'm free to choose a life of misery, but even if I come from the humblest beginnings, I am free to choose a life of happiness.

If that isn't powerful, I don't know what is.

quick thought...

2010-08-29T22:52:00.002-06:00

I love this blog post SO MUCH.

Because I am amazed at some of my friends (and myself, sometimes).

I don't want to be good - I want to be great. And as I strive for that, I am so much happier.

Look around - not all teenagers are bad. In fact, very few of us are. We are awesome.

2010-08-26T23:59:00.002-06:00

I started school.

And I have some awesome thoughts, but midnight is not the time for clarity.

So, you'll have to wait.

(just posting to let you know I'm still alive.)

decisions, decisions

2010-08-10T00:38:00.003-06:00

I feel like in my last post, I only hinted at what the "big decision" is. I kind of skirted the issue.

It feels like all of my life, church has been preparing me for the big three (or five) decisions: college, (mission), marriage, (children), career. Everything has been directed toward those, it seems: get an education, go on a mission if you can, find a good husband, choose a career in case you need it.

And these are huge decisions. I'm on the brink of a few of them, and they are terrifying.

But I feel like not enough time has been spent on the process of decision-making. I wish that someone had taught me how to really counsel with the Lord, how to come to a decision on my own and then consult with Him.

I have to choose whether to continue my relationship with my father, whether I should draw closer to him, give it up, or keep it in the same limbo state.

I feel like this is one of those decisions where God may support me either way. Maybe both of my choices could be considered correct, could be considered keeping the commandments.

But with all this time just listening to: pray, read your scriptures, and you'll have an answer, I don't know how to ask the real question:

What do I really want to do?

thoughts way too late at night.

2010-08-07T01:28:00.002-06:00

I feel like I deserve more. Not more money or more education or more opportunities. I feel like a deserve more of a father.

I deserve someone who loves all of his children, who never gives up on them and makes them feel appreciated. I deserve someone who loves me for who I am and who makes me feel safe. I deserve a real dad, one who never stands me up and who I can confide in.

So why can't I have it?

I spend all of this time protecting Mandy from him. She doesn't know that he has given up on her, that he doesn't have faith in her anymore. She doesn't need to know that the last time I talked to our dad, he trash talked her. And I won't tell her.

Yet, the commandment keeps ringing in my ears, honor thy father and thy mother. How do you honor someone? How do you trust them, put your faith in them, when they have let you down every single time? How can I honor a man I love so much, but who hurts me at every turn?

That's the frustrating thing about church (certain passages of this comes to mind) lately: the lessons I'm learning in Sunday School and Young Women really aren't helping right now.

I'm grappling with what is probably the biggest decision of my life so far, and then I go to church and get lessons on How to Write Your Missionary or something like that. Yeah, those are necessary lessons, but how am I supposed to make a life choice like this when every lesson seems completely misdirected?

I wish that I could talk to someone at church about this, but...I just feel like the burdened one. I feel like every other girl has this perfect life, with the stay-at-home mom and the perfect still-married parents and their seemingly easy lives.

Yeah, it's probably not true, but I just feel like the one piece that sticks out in a puzzle of Mormon perfection. They're living the ideal.

I have none of it.

life plan

2010-07-28T23:15:00.002-06:00

How ridiculous is this?

I should be a confused teenager, but...I'm not.

I sort of know what I want to do.

As in, I know what summer/during-high-school job I want to have (Deseret Book), know which college I want to go to (BYU), know that I want to go on a mission (anywhere), have my career narrowed down to two choices (genetic counselor or social worker)...

What the heck? How can I already know this? And I almost don't want to, because now I'm so excited for the future that I can hardly take two more years of high school.

At least I have time to prepare...

(p.s. I know I sound just ridiculously Mormon here. Deal with it.)

orthodoxy

2010-07-20T00:55:00.002-06:00

Now, I'm just going to come out and say it: I love orthodoxy. I find it comforting to know just what I'm doing and where I'll be. I love being a stereotypical Mormon (in many ways) because I love Mormon culture. (The occasional sexism and racism, no. But the positive things...absolutely.) I love having tons of siblings, tons of nieces and nephews, a million cousins. I love going to family reunions where everyone is modestly dressed and not a drop of alcohol is in sight. I love having a basic life plan, knowing where I'll most likely end up.

Awhile ago, I sat next to a friend and it invoked a moment straight from The Chosen. She's pretty much agnostic, and we've spent a lot of time lately discussing our beliefs. She knows a lot about the culture and understands many of the rules.

She wore a spaghetti strap tank top with short shorts. I wore a short-sleeve shirt with a camisole underneath and knee-length shorts. (She was actually the one to point it out, not me.)

And maybe it's ridiculous that I'm making a point out of this. But you know what? This is one of the ways that I am reminded each day that I am different. I go outside, look around, and even my clothing is proof that I live a different life than many.

shift

2010-07-14T01:25:00.002-06:00

You know what? When I first got the idea for this blog, this isn't what I had in mind. So I'm changing things.

I want to write about what it means to be a Mormon teenager. I want people to understand why this may make my viewpoint different, how this makes things different for me.

For example, small things, like...

church
dating
school
day-to-day faith

and big things, like...

dating
college
marriage
family.

With my background, it is different.

And I want people to understand why.

a story

2010-06-29T20:20:00.002-06:00

Where has the past little while gone? I will tell you. And it's not an awesome story.

There was once this boy named Andrew. Andrew was cute, funny, smart, and...he liked me. He was nice to me, introduced me to his friends, made me feel special.

Suddenly, I was always around Andrew. Soon, everything I was doing was to impress him. Because Andrew was cool, and my friends weren't.

There was one small problem: he was extremely cynical, with a very hardened view of the world, and he wasn't really nice to other people.

But Andrew liked me. He was interested in me. And to me, that meant that he was special and worth my attention. To me, that meant that he was worth giving up my friends, my optimism, my general outlook on life.

Until...one day, I met a boy (coincidentally) also named Andrew. We'll call him Drew.

Drew is one of the sweetest boys I have every met. From the moment I talked to him, we were friends. Drew made me feel special, but not in the way Andrew did.

When I talked to Drew, I knew that he cared about me. And when he talked to other people, I knew that he cared about them. Being around Drew made you feel appreciated, made you feel understood and happy.

Once I became friends with Drew, I never wanted to see Andrew again. I wanted him out of my life, because I could see how much he changed me.

I'm still working on it, still processing it. But that bad person, the one who ditched on friends to chase after some idiot boy...I sure hope that girl will be gone soon.

Dang it, Andrew.

break

2010-06-16T21:00:00.002-06:00

So, I've taken a break from blogging. And I really don't have anything that I want to write about.

This is me just telling you that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I'm not sick. I haven't lost my testimony.

In fact, the opposite has happened. In this crazy mix between school ending, Girl's Camp, and EFY, I just really don't have anything that I want to say.

I'm awesome. I am doing incredibly well right now. I just...don't feel like writing about it.

FATHERS PART F

2010-05-30T21:35:00.000-06:00

On my mother's side of the family, my extended family knows a LOT about my family's past, about my father, about the condition of my parents' marriage before they were divorced. In fact, they know more than I do. And it is because of this - because they know more about my father's nature and what he has done than I do - they have found ways to compensate.

And that is why I will be eternally grateful for my grandfathers and uncles, especially on my mother's side, because they have stepped in a way that has never really left me needing a father. (Yes, I miss my own father, and I miss having one completely my own, but I always have someone to fulfill the paternal role.)

It all started when I was a baby. My uncle was visiting, my uncle who was childless and was desperately trying to have a child of his own. The entire time I was with my uncle, he was holding with me, playing with me, treating me as his own child. From that moment, we had a special bond: he had practically adopted me in his own way.

And this is the uncle that I talk the least to, actually, since we still don't live near each other. I have three other fantastic uncles on my mom's side who would do anything for me.

These are the men who have given me guidelines on how to date. These are the men who have given me guidelines on who to date. These are also the men who have advised me to go on a mission, and suggested when I should start seriously considering marriage (much, much later). These are the men who tested my reading skills back when they were just sure I was a child prodigy.

These are the men who protect me and watch out for me, who I know would do anything for me. The ones who have given so much time away from their own children just to help me. I would do anything for them, and I know that they love me more than just a normal niece.

Then there's my grandfather. My incredibly shy, adorable grandfather, who has taught me incredible life lessons. He has taught me about the church, about farming, about family and living life.

But more importantly, he has taught me by example. I have watched him work tirelessly on his farm, always reading and trying new things to make more improvements. I have seen him give his talents to others, even when he knew that they would never pay him back for his services. I have seen him give counsel to others, and he has passed down his sensible nature to both Xavier and me.

He is an incredible example of Jesus Christ. He is one of the greatest examples I have ever known.

It is under these incredible men that I have never felt alone. To me, my difficult past is more than compensated with the astonishing amount of support that I have received from these great men, the ones who have raised me and lifted me up in ways that I can't even fully express.

FATHERS PART E

2010-05-23T20:28:00.007-06:00

For pretty much my entire life, many of my best friends have been guys.

My first best friend, in fact, was a boy. We were two years old at the time. That tradition of being good friends with boys has continued for practically my entire life.

I don't really understand why some girls are afraid of talking to boys or aren't good at it, because to me it's extremely normal.

So how does this relate to fathers? Well, boys are going to be men eventually, and they already have some of those paternal characteristics. Today I'm going to talk about two of them.

1 - They are overprotective.

When I was in the sixth grade, one particular boy was teasing me relentlessly. He would mock the way that I talk, mock my heritage, and just wouldn't quit.

Once Jake found out about it, he totally flipped out. He had a minor confrontation with the guy, reported to the teacher, and spread the news throughout the grade.

Within an hour, there was a team of about twenty guys ready to stand up for me and beat the other kid up.

Of course, I didn't take them up on their offer, but I was taken back by the incredible support that my friends offered me, of the protection that they promised.

2 - They make me want to be better.

For the Strength of Youth says that "a true friend will encourage you to be your best self."

I haven't seen this better displayed than with some of my best guy friends.

In the sixth grade I also had a friend named Dallin. Dallin was everything that I could ever hope to be. Everything he did left me in awe. Once, one of our friends had a hard day, so he looked for a Book of Mormon to show her a scripture to cheer her up. Dallin was the one who made me realize that I can pray for my own needs, that the things I learned in church could actually be applied outside of it. He pushed me to do things I never dreamed of before, to break out of my shell and just be myself. He showed me the way to God the way that no one but a true friend could have.

I have continued to have this kind of friendship with different guys, whether they have been close friends or acquaintances.

I have been humbled by incredible examples in my Seminary class, by guys in my ward, by boys in the neighborhood.

I have guy friends who encourage me to be more, who celebrate spiritual successes. With my friends, church and religion are totally open topics, and bringing them up is no big deal. I can talk about sacrament meetings just as easily as I can talk about my classes at school when I am around them. One year, our favorite saying was "way to be." These are the guys who I sing Scripture Mastery songs with in science classes, who encourage me to pray before a big test.

I am so blessed to grow up in Utah, to grow up with all of these fathers-to-be who set such a great example for me. Also, these boys hold the Aaronic Priesthood. Most boys turn twelve while in the sixth grade, so I have been growing up with priesthood holders since elementary school.

Never have I felt lower than them because they hold this incredible blessing - instead, I feel so privileged to be around these guys, the ones who honor it and watch out for me, who strive for the highest standards and expect me to do the same.

While I highly doubt that I will marry anyone that I know at the moment, my friends meet the standards that I want in a husband. My friends are incredible.

happiness

2010-05-17T22:49:00.001-06:00

My life...is too perfect. I can't even concentrate right now because I'm so happy. (That and because I'm finishing up one of my last assignments for school...)

Oh my gosh. I am just so happy.

FATHERS PART D

2010-05-16T17:52:00.004-06:00

So, as you can probably tell from my previous father posts, I don't really feel like I have a dad. Yes, I have someone who is my biological father. And yes, I have someone with the title of stepfather. But...not one who really fulfills those traditional (or stereotypical, depending on how you look at it) roles.

I don't have a dad that gives me lectures on dating or getting more education. I don't have someone who knows all of my friends and is a bit more strict than he needs to be. I don't have a dad who knows more about me than I know myself, someone who has deep insight into who I am. I don't have a man who has seen me practically everyday since birth like my mom has. I don't have a dad that I feel comfortable asking a blessing from.

So what do I do when one of those situations comes up?

Luckily, I have an extremely supportive group of close family members who step in for me.

My brothers are incredible. One brother in particular stands out.

When I was born, Xavier desperately wanted another brother. He was so upset that I was a girl, that I was someone who wouldn't play Transformers or Hot Wheels all day long. I tried to impress him and be a tomboy, but it didn't quite work out. When he became a teenager, we hit a rough patch, fighting tooth and nail all day long.

Until...Xav turned sixteen. Something about being a priest hit him, and everything changed.

Suddenly, the sweet brother I remember when I was little had reappeared. Soon I was going to Mutual too, and he did his best to include me. I was around his friends, he would take me on quick trips to the gas station to get treats, and we would get into deep discussions late at night.

When things with my dad got difficult, Xavier was there to counsel me, to explain to me what was going on and to point out when I was at fault. He was there when my first semblance of a relationship with Max had ended. I was overcome with emotion and dripping with tears, and he did something that no one else would have done: he ignored that and talked about other things. He lightened the mood, tried to show me that it really wasn't as dramatic as I was making it. No one else would know that was what I needed, but he did.

Late at night, after we had discussions, I would get into my bed, and that's when I would hear Xav pick up his guitar and start playing. He would sing, too, making my favorite songs into lullabies. Yes, my brother sang me to sleep at night.

When I hit my first hitch in the gospel - when I realized that I didn't know how devoted I should be (since my parents aren't always the best example on that), I looked to Xavier. I noticed that he always wore Sunday clothes all day on the Sabbath. I noticed that he would get up early so that he could get to church in time to prepare the sacrament each week. I noticed his Preach My Gospel book, worn and falling apart, full of notes. And he hadn't even started filling out his papers yet. Sometimes, when I stayed up way too late, I would pass his room and see him kneeling at the foot of his bed, deep in prayer. I would see him studying his scriptures, writing, pondering.

When my bishop introduced my brother before his farewell missionary talk, he started to cry. My bishop loves Xavier like a son. Our incredible bishop is probably the greatest father figure my brother has ever had. All the weeks he spent working with him in priest quorum, then in interview after interview in preparing for a mission, brought them extremely close. My ward loves Xav like no one else, because he is such an incredible guy and such an incredible example.

When I went on my first date, Xavier was the first family member I told. Which is crazy, because he's still on his mission. He still has less than a year left, actually.

This year has probably been the hardest of my life, because the closest thing I have ever had to a dad is gone. No, he doesn't fulfill all of my father-related needs, but Xavier has been so close to me. I miss him so much, and talking to him on mother's day was difficult, too.

But I couldn't have asked for anything better. I absolutely love my family, even though they are flawed and different. There is no place I would rather be. Xav and I were sent to the same family for a reason, and I know it.

There is wisdom in God's plan.

changes (yeah, it's cliche, but whatever.)

2010-05-12T21:58:00.002-06:00

Today, I realized that I'm not the same person I was a few weeks ago.

The exhaustion and stress from school has changed my attitude.

I hardly ever read my scriptures, and my prayers are inconsistent.

I'm not as nice as I used to be,

and I can definitely see the connection.

More on this after a few hours of sleep.

a break from fathers, for...MOMs!

2010-05-09T11:03:00.001-06:00

I recently watched the movie Spanglish. If you haven't seen it, it is set up as a girl's college admissions essay, and she declares that her mother is her hero. The movie shows, basically, her essay acted out. They movie to the U.S. from Mexico, her mother gets a job working for a very dysfunctional white family, and they get really involved in a lot of drama...it's pretty long. But lately, I have been reflecting on the last scene of the movie:

"I had publicly scorned my mother. And yet she had not reacted. What did spark our climactic
moment...was my use of a common American phrase.

"Not right now. I need some space."

"Not a space between us."

In the midst of confrontation, she found clarity. She expressed regret that she had to ask me...to deal with the basic question of my life at such a young age. And then she asked it.

"Is what you want for yourself...to become very different...than me?"

I have been overwhelmed...by your encouragement to apply to your university...and your list of scholarships available to me.

Though, as I hope this essay shows...your acceptance, while it would thrill me...will not define me. My identity rests firmly...and happily on one fact. I am my mother's daughter."

For almost my whole life, I have been telling myself things that I will not do in the same way as my mother. Like: "I will not marry a man like that" or "when I get have kids, I will teach them to do this" or basically anything at all. My whole life, I have examined myself in contrast to my mother.

But in so many ways, I have never recognized how much we are alike, and how much I revere my own mother.

Besides our love of the same foods, and our same taste in movies, and the way that we both cry easily...there is so much that I have in common with my mother, and so many ways that I want to be like her.

I want to have an unwavering testimony the way she does.

I want to have the incredible mothering qualities that she does.

I want to have the deep love for everyone the way that she does.

I want to have self-confidence, to not care about what others think of her, the way that she does.

I want to be patient the way that she is.

I want to be tirelessly hardworking the way that she is.

I love my mom, and I really couldn't ask for anyone better. I know that we are in the same family for a reason, that there is a reason that she is raising me.

I love my mom.

evaluation

2010-05-07T09:32:00.000-06:00

Remember this post, where I set out some of my specific personal goals?

Make madrigals? check.

I am so excited!

2010-05-03T10:23:00.000-06:00

"Sisters, as we climb the mountains, especially those in our own backyards, let us look to the Lord, who is the light. Show that light to your family and those who feel like family, for the brush at our feet will snag us, and obstacles will surely bruise us. But warm and steady, the light beckons us on. Follow it, knowing the challenges are real, but so is the Lord. Light a torch of faith at home and keep it burning brilliantly, even when the night is long and the journey difficult."

-Elaine L. Jack

FATHERS PART C

2010-05-02T16:37:00.000-06:00

My mom got married pretty quick after her divorce from my dad, which is understandable. Their marriage had really been over for years anyway, and she really had found love again. She found my stepdad.

It was a quick courtship, and then suddenly - he had inherited a bunch of kids. He now had more than three times the number of kids he had before. Which is a big deal.

Not only did he suddenly gain a bunch of kids - he also gained kids who had just moved, and were bitter about it. He gained kids who didn't get along with his biological kids too well. And most importantly, he gained kids who had never had a real father before, one who loved and cared for them in a healthy way.

Basically, he went from custody weekends with his own kids to a giant family in just a few months. Not only that, but some of these family members were a bit traumatized. Mandy was so little, and she used to scream and cry every night. I refused to touch him. One of my older sisters was pretty close to kicking him in the head. And one of my brothers had no idea how to handle it, so he just didn't.

Imagine yourself in that situation. Do you think you would make a very good dad, right from the start?

You're right. You wouldn't. And because he lost his temper so much at first, because he didn't know how to handle a bunch of extra kids while still in the honeymoon of his marriage...he didn't start out too well.

So I didn't trust him. I wouldn't talk to him, or touch him. I would start to trust him, to think that I liked him, and then something would happen: he would lose his temper, and I would be terrified, because that's what my father always did before.

Until lately, I had probably hugged him less than ten times in the many years I have known him.

I've still never told him that I love him.

Because I do have issues from some of the things my father did out of anger. And as a child, I couldn't see the whole situation through my stepdad's eyes. I didn't have empathy because I didn't understand. Even now, I have issues when he loses his temper. Our relationship has only begun to progress lately, even though I've known him for about ten years.

Now I sort of understand where he's coming from.

But he can never really be my dad.

Fathers PART B

2010-04-25T09:06:00.002-06:00

I tried. I am really working to improve my relationship with my father.

I met up with him the other day. Without Mandy.

I'm trying to ease back into the relationship, to take off some of the intensity, so the visit was only about an hour.

And it was good. I think the separation made me focus more on the relationship: on what is meant instead of what is said. (It doesn't matter that I asked about his work - it matters that I cared enough to ask, etc.) On his end, I think the separation made him realize how much his children really have an effect on him, how much he misses us.

We talked about plans for the future, how he could change careers if he wanted. We talked about his past in the deep South, about the land he still calls home. It enlightened me.

Guess what? My dad isn't perfect. I've always known that. But lately, I've realized that there's so much more to the flawed character that fathered me.

Depression, anxiety, illness. Inadequacy, lack of education, and millions of other things. When I look through this perspective, I still see the flaws - but I also see the good. I see how he continues on, out of love for his children and his friends.

I see how he has been isolated. I know how he has been despised, even by his own children. He hates himself and feels like his children do too, to some extent. But still, he struggles on.

I will always love my father. And that love will always be imperfect, unbalanced, illogical.

But it's the best I can do.

2010-04-24T00:06:00.002-06:00

How could I have been so dumb?

Leon has been playing me.

No, we weren't dating, but we have been on a couple of dates.

He hasn't "cheated" or anything, even though we were casually dating.

He's been manipulating me. Here I am, helping him with stuff, driving him places, giving him all of me.

He does this to all girls. I saw it before, but thought I was the exception.

Seth pointed it out to me tonight, that not only has Leon been playing me: he's been doing it with more subtlety with me.

I have been duped, and I feel humiliated.

Now I realize that my feelings were really pretty fake anyway. This is awful.

Fathers PART A

2010-04-18T21:25:00.002-06:00

NOTE: For the next few weeks, I'm planning a weekly post on fathers, on all that entails for me and our culture. It's this new thing I'm trying out: a thematic post every Sunday. We'll see how it goes.

"***, ***, ***. I love and miss you! Don't break your daddy's heart!"

This message was posted on my dad's twitter account, although I blocked out the names - they are of me and two of my sisters. (My dad doesn't know that I know about his twitter account, but it wasn't that hard to find.)

See, my relationship with my dad is extremely complicated and confusing. I love him, but...our dynamic is off. Which is because our relationship has consisted of weekly custody visits for nearly all my life.

To him, I am perpetually five years old. I am the smart little girl who is incapable, impossible, stubborn. I am the girl who is 'bright,' but really knows nothing. I am the perpetual 'perfect daughter' who is never quite good enough. I will never meet his expectations. I will always fail.

You can tell by the quote I took from his account - it only mentions three of his four daughters. The one he left out? His firstborn, his prized, his always perfect incredible daughter, even though she avoids him just as much as the rest of us.

Our relationship has continued to disintegrate, to the point where every conversation is a struggle. Each visit is an emotional battle, and I have been unable to handle it, and neither has Mandy. (I literally dissolve into tears by the end of each visit.)

So I've canceled a few times. And by a few times, I mean a lot of times. I've been doing it to protect Mandy, and to guard my own heart.

It's impossible to explain to someone who has never had this experience. How can you explain what it's like when every conversation is emotionally taxing, when every exchange feels like it's sucking away your soul?

Whether he realizes it or not, he must always dominate. He must always be right. He will never back down.

I have a father. I have someone who would pass the paternity test, who knows that I am his daughter.

But where is my dad?

busy

2010-04-15T23:13:00.002-06:00

With the end of the year getting closer (and since AP tests are even closer than that) I have been enormously busy with homework.

But not to fear: I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about my resilience (strength) and my laziness (weakness). I have gained confidence in myself, and although I've had a few rough days...

things are pulling through.

the Atonement of Jesus Christ

2010-04-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

(I love this picture because the linen is folded. That Jesus would fold the linen so no one else would have to...just makes me think of His consideration for others, even in times of such grand celebration.)

I know that a lot of Mormons don't celebrate the traditional Jewish holidays. Or the traditional Christian ones, for that matter.

But to some degree, in my own small way, they are significant to me.

Take Palm Sunday. On that day, I did recount the story of Jesus entering Jerusalem again, of His Triumphal Entry, the time that He was recognized and worshiped.

This is also the week of Passover, and it started on Monday night. I recently watched the Prince of Egypt, and the miraculous story of Moses was fresh in my mind.

And on Maundy Thursday...well, I didn't really do anything for Maundy Thursday.

Good Friday was a powerful moment, though. I thought of how I will explain this day to my kids, how I will explain to them the death of Jesus Christ. It's a day of remembrance, the anniversary of the day that my Brother died.

Holy Saturday...I was listening to Conference and hanging out with family, so it didn't really cross my mind.

And today, Easter Sunday, it all came together for me. I listened to the Hallelujah Chorus on Music and the Spoken Word, cried as I sang the congregational hymn of "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." I listened to incredible talks about Jesus Christ and the power of His Atonement.

And, in the coolest symbolism ever...the Jews used the blood of the lamb to protect them from evil (see verses 3 and 12-13). Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, or the Lamb, we are protected from evil. We are cleansed from sin. We are comforted. We are healed. I know that Jesus loves me, individually. He cares for me. And if His Atonement had been just for me...I know that He would have done it anyway.

On this day, so many years ago, Jesus rose from the dead, the crowning event of His glorious Atonement. He did it. He made it possible for all of us to live again. He brought us all together, all out of His infinite love and the will of the Father.

And that, my awesome brothers and sisters, is the good news.

General Conference thoughts

2010-04-04T20:30:00.000-06:00

General Conference was fantastic. I laughed, I cried, I learned, I felt the Spirit. It was probably the best conference I have ever heard, and I gained so much from it.

Favorite speakers this time:
M. Russell Ballard
D. Todd Christofferson
David A. Bednar
Jeffrey R. Holland
Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Gregory Allan Schwitzer
Neil L. Andersen
*Holland and Uchtdorf were my top two, though.

Basic theme: MOTHERS. (That was pretty obvious, though.) Nearly every speaker mentioned their own mother, or mothers in general, or mothering...and this has come at a time when I have seen a definite strengthening in my relationship with my own mother.

I gained so much from this, since I followed the General Conference challenge, as I have the past few conferences.

And you know what? Everything was answered for me. Here was my list of topics that I wanted to hear about:
how to truly forgive
how to deal with parents
time management
devotion to the gospel
the temple
cleanliness (like moral/literal too)
service/reaching out to others
grace and mercy
potential (as in divine)
beauty
strength - spiritual and physical
judgment

Some of these - a lot of these were main topics of talks. A few weren't. But the Holy Ghost taught me about each one as I listened. And that is incredible. That is God's love for me.

Easter Sunday - post-edit

2010-04-04T06:11:00.001-06:00

This explains it much better than I ever could.

The Lord lives.

WoW

2010-04-01T10:37:00.000-06:00

No, this isn't World of Warcraft. Even though you probably hoped.

"Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine." -D&C 89:12-13

Think about the normal American diet. How often do we eat meat?

Think about the average church potluck and/or any other gathering. How much meat is there?

That's why this month, I'm going to take the Word of Wisdom more seriously.

I'm going vegetarian this month, just to try out what it will be like to go without meat.

Yes, I understand that the Word of Wisdom tells us to eat meat, but I want to get myself away from it, to show myself that I'm not dependent on it.

We'll see how this goes.

And maybe someday it'll inspire me to go off caffeine. Or chocolate.

the soul. or spirit. or...well, there's lots of names for it.

2010-03-30T09:40:00.001-06:00

Disclaimer: These are my beliefs, not something that has been directly issued from church offices, or anything that is written directly in the scriptures. But for me? I know that it's true.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the soul. That part of us that is endlessly older than our physical bodies, our true essence. Our spirits.

Ask any parent - every child definitely has their own personality, even from the very beginning. That part of them - where does it come from?

That, to me, is our individual spirit. It is made manifest from the start of our lives, and continues with us, bound inside our bodies. It is us, whether we've recognized it or not.

So if that's true, what constitutes a spiritual experience? We use the term in church all the time, sharing stories of gaining a testimony, of having our prayers answered.

Yes, those are spiritual experiences. But they aren't limited to that limited definition, at least not for me.

Any time you feel a deep connection of love for someone, isn't it on a spiritual level? It's not just physical, not just emotional - you know what I'm talking about. It's when your spirits connect, like they did when my brother taught this lesson. That spirit-to-spirit communication is special, and it's absolutely a spiritual experience.

I can remember the first time that I heard any of my favorite songs. I remember feeling so incredibly happy, in awe of how great the song was. Maybe it wasn't a religious experience, but I can certainly say that it was spiritual. Apparently, my spirit loves Stephen Speaks and Gary Jules and a whole bunch of other stuff.

When you feel the Holy Ghost, how do you feel? Maybe it's a burning in your heart, or by crying, or by getting chills, or by something else.

But have you ever had that same feeling when it wasn't something strictly religious?

Maybe you were watching the end of a kid movie. Maybe you were reading a really cool story.

Could the Holy Ghost have been speaking to you then? For example, maybe you were getting the confirmation that true love really does exist when you saw it on the movie screen. Or maybe you were being taught about the blessings that come from adversity when you read the story of an inspirational woman.

Not every spiritual thing happens in a strictly religious setting. You carry your spirit around all day, every day. Do you think that it only wants to feel the limited time that you devote to religion?

No, I don't believe that.

I believe that we have spiritual experiences a lot more than most people realize. Maybe they're not always experiences with the Holy Ghost, but the spirit is such an intrinsic part of us. How could it stay dormant?

You may think I have forgotten something. Another factor plays into this realm of spirituality.

"It is important for a teacher or a missionary or a parent to know that the Holy Ghost can work through the Light of Christ. A teacher of gospel truths is not planting something foreign or even new into an adult or a child. Rather, the missionary or teacher is making contact with the Spirit of Christ already there." -Boyd K. Packer

Our spirits are also inseparably tied to the Light of Christ.

When I have a spiritual experience, I'm not sure why it's happening: whether it's from the Holy Ghost, the Light of Christ, or my own spirit, I am not sure - often, I'm sure it's a combination.

But they all bring me closer to my spirit, help me to understand it better, and bring it closer to the Lord.

And for now, that's all that I really need to know.

Palm Sunday

2010-03-28T19:56:00.003-06:00

It's kind of a weird situation for Mormons this year.

Sunday services aren't held during General Conference, and Conference happens to fall on Easter Sunday this year.

So...the Easter-themed sacrament meeting for the ward was today.

The meeting was fantastic, probably one of my favorite Sundays ever.

Here's the basics of what really hit me today:

During the Atonement, Jesus was alone so that we never have to be. That's part of what His sacrifice was - He understands what it's really like to be alone, and He protects us from that.

Although we don't understand exactly how, Jesus heals. I've heard this before, but this was the first time I felt like I understood it. It's not that we don't know by what power He does it, it's that we don't really understand how it heals us.

Adversity is like a giant piece of sandpaper. It continues to rub us raw, over and over, until we hardly recognize ourselves anymore. It changes us, smoothes us, rubs away things that we thought were important. But Jesus holds our hand through the whole thing, and heals us as it goes along. When we depend on Him, He makes it bearable. And when we look at ourselves, it's better than we could have envisioned. It's infinitely better than what we could have done on our own, without divine help. But we have to let it happen.

Maybe I'll expand on these ideas later, but not right now...and in a few days...look for my thoughts (not necessarily straight LDS doctrine) on the human spirit.

GYWM

2010-03-27T23:03:00.004-06:00

Today I was lucky enough to get to go to the Young Women's session of General Conference, which is only held once a year, downtown at the Conference Center.

Thoughts:

The choir was awesome. It was great that they included some interesting alto parts in the hymn arrangements. I especially liked the one where they sang practically a capella (very little organ) for a verse. (It may have been Dearest Children, God Is Near You.)

Sister Dibb - had great points in giving the background for this year's theme, but nothing too notable. (To be honest, my mind wandered quite a bit during this one.)

Sister Cook - her opening statement almost sounded like she was a spokesperson for Utah and/or Timpanogos Cave, trying to sell it over the pulpit. Also, I found her statement about "not looking on either side of the hallways at school" a bit odd. But, I see her point with her analogies - stay on the straight and narrow, only look forward, keeping your eyes on the eternal prize, but take it day by day to the right way.

Intermissive video - was fantastic. I had chills all over, the music wasn't too cheesy, and the point was great. It really hit the mark.

Sister Dalton - I love her comment that "as I look out at you tonight, I wonder if this isn't what Helaman's stripling warrior's girlfriends must have looked like." I hope that is quoted sometime again. I love it, not because we're not 'part of the fight,' but because it insinuates that part of why those warriors were so great is that they had some incredible women behind them. She also worked hard to define the new value, virtue, and establish it as something more than virginity. She did a great job with it, too, referring to it as 'deep beauty.'

President Uchtdorf - By far my favorite message, and definitely the most interesting. The basics: as princesses, we are part of our own fairy tale. However, in these 'once upon a time' stories, adversity comes before we get to our own 'happily ever after.' Telling the story of courting his wife definitely grabbed everyone's attention, although it may have not been the best example. I think it was good that he pointed out that we need to take lessons from adversity by enduring it well. Most importantly, I loved when he addressed those who have already been through much adversity. And it was great that he incorporated the Young Women theme in closing, since most men don't acknowledge what we recite every single week.

Congregational hymn - was fantastic, because Winston Churchill's "never, never, never give up" had been quoted, and the same idea is in How Firm a Foundation "I'll never, no never, no never forsake." Also, it's hard to tell, but a few clusters of people stood up during the hymn, like 'standing for the truth,' which is most of what this conference (and every conference) was about.

Video can be found here - either as a whole session, or by speaker/hymn.

random thoughts late at night

2010-03-23T23:25:00.003-06:00

Integrity.

If I want to be like this,

to truly be an example,

I think I kind of need it. A lot.

"[I] will stand

as [a witness] of God

at all times and

in all things and

in all places"

Right now, when I'm struggling with doubts and grudges, with anger and grievances, I need to keep my integrity. I've also heard that integrity comes from the word 'whole,' like we should be.

Integrity makes us whole. It completes us.

best quote of my week

2010-03-16T20:33:00.002-06:00

(One of my friends): Really Mormon people are so mean. They always tell me that I'm going to hell.

Me: But I'm really Mormon, and I'm never like that.

Friend: But you're nice.

Maybe...we should be a little less judgmental. Who is more likely to listen to the gospel: someone who has been told over and over that they are breaking God's commandments, or someone who treats them with kindness, is their friend, but never partakes in the bad stuff?

Jesus was nice. Why is it that sometimes we aren't?

Just a thought.

My Name Is Asher Lev

2010-03-14T19:17:00.004-06:00

This is one of my favorite books, and it's probably where my affinity for other religions (especially Judaism and Islam) really picked up.

I love its story, the way everything is controlled by intense emotion. The thing that strikes me the most is how Asher, this incredibly talented artist, is bound by his gift. It's not something that he can ignore, but something that he must use as a tool in his daily religious life, that these things must coexist.

The scene most poignant to me is when Asher's father sees Asher as a little boy, sketching with cigarette ash. He sees the scope of this gift, and he cannot do anything to save this young boy from it. Asher's father is terrified by it, cannot understand it, prays that it will leave his son.

When I think of that scene, I think of a member of the bishopric in my ward. He was announcing new callings, and spoke his son's name. His son, about 14 at the time, had just been called into a fairly prominent ward calling, one a bit surprising, but that fit in with this boy's incredible musical talent. The man started crying, and apologized, speaking about the difficulty of seeing your son enter this realm of responsibility. He knew what this kid was getting into, and you could see that he was a bit scared for his young son.

It makes me think of the surprised look on the faces of some of the members of my ward, those who are practically family, when I was called as Laurel president awhile back. The shock, the understanding that the Lord requires much, even from the beginning of our lives.

It also reminds me of a religious trend, one that may not be prevalent, but is rising: a return to religious conservatism.

Yes, I am a member of this group - there are times when I have had to take a stand against my parents, because what they were doing was against my standards. (See previous post...)

standards

2010-03-14T19:16:00.004-06:00

Lately, I've thinking a lot about standards, and about the conservatism that mentioned in the next post.

When I was about 14, I watched my first full-length R-rated movie.

It was the best movie I've ever seen, and it's probably still my favorite movie ever.

A few months later, I reevaluated my standards and my love of God, and I decided that I would never watch another R-rated movie.

And I have stuck to that (although I personally think it's okay to watch them if they're on TV and edited for content. It's like legal cleanflix).

I want to watch that movie again. My siblings have endorsed it, and even my older brother who is a little overbearing about media has told me it's okay if I see it. I don't know what to think. I personally don't think it's a bad movie - it is basically rated R for using a certain swear word about 15 times in one scene.

But when I search for guidelines about media standards, I get this: "Do not attend, view, or participate in entertainment that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in entertainment that in any way presents immorality or violent behavior as acceptable."

I consider myself to be pretty conservative when it comes to setting my standards, but I have violated this rule many times. In fact, pretty much the only movies I can think of that don't violate these standards are either Disney or in The Singles Ward genre.

So what do I do? Ignore everything else?

I don't have a problem standing up for myself. I have sat in the car while the rest of my family ate in a restaurant on a Sunday. I have left the room when I felt the TV show that my mom and stepdad were watching wasn't appropriate. I have gone to extended-family gatherings where I was the only one still wearing my Sunday clothes. (This is how I personally interpret "Your dress before, during, and after church meetings should show respect for the Sabbath." from For the Strength of Youth. I have also heard that it was stated in a priesthood meeting, but I don't have a quote on that.)

If I truly believe that it is wrong, then I don't do it.

But where do I draw the line?

(And what do I do when my own father goes out to eat every Sunday and chooses to drink coffee, even though he knows the church's stance on those issues?)

2010-03-05T23:54:00.002-07:00

What? My life has been continuing, even though I haven't been blogging?

First official date? (It was definitely interesting...)

A continued love affair with one of my 3 favorite books?

A loss of exercise motivation? (like that's a surprise)

Watching Baptist revivals on TV?

...and a complete realization of how selfish I am. Because it's pretty bad. Like, I'm feeling sociopathic right now.

Someday soon (I'm really planning on this) I'll write about this stuff.

But for now...it's really time to sleep. Seriously.

going forth with boldness

2010-02-21T20:24:00.002-07:00

In the past few months, I've been thinking about major goals that I want to achieve, things that will be hard and difficult, but absolutely be worth it.

---run a 5k (run the whole thing)

---make my high school madrigal choir

---read the entire Book of Mormon in Spanish

---completely clean my room (if you had seen it, you would understand why this is such a huge deal)

---find a volunteering job

---attend the temple at least once a month

Sure, I have other goals - education, career, mission, marriage, motherhood - but these are untraditional things that I really want to do, that I feel will really enhance my life.

But with all of the pressures in my life, how will I be able to do all of these things?

I know that there is only one answer: the fact that when we turn it over to the Lord, doing all that we can, He will make it possible. I know that God can help me to accomplish these things - and with a little re-prioritizing, it will truly happen.

President Hinckley once said (when talking about missionaries): "Your timidity, your fears, your shyness will gradually disappear as you go forth with boldness and conviction."

That's kind of where the new scripture for the header is coming from: (w/emphasis added)

"...I speak with boldness..."

(see above quote)

"having authority from God..."

I am putting the Lord on my side, banking on His help.

"and I fear not what man can do;..."

I'm not worried about little things that may prevent me from these goals because...

"for perfect love casteth out all fear."

I know that this is what is right for me at this time, that my love and trust in God will quell my fears of inadequacy, of impossibility. I know that I can really do this.

And I am so excited to see it happen!

slacking off

2010-02-07T20:21:00.002-07:00

"Wherefore, the prophets, and the priests, and the teachers, did labor diligently, exhorting with all long-suffering the people to diligence; teaching the law of Moses, and the intent for which it was given; persuading them to look forward unto the Messiah, and believe in him to come as though he already was. And after this manner did they teach them. And it came to pass that by so doing they kept them from being destroyed upon the face of the land; for they did prick their hearts with the word, continually stirring them up unto repentance." -Jarom 1:11-12

When we're not moving forward, we're moving backward. And I have definitely been moving backward. It's incredible to me how much each day of scripture study and prayer advances and enhances my spirituality, because one week of scarcity has held me back again.

Dirty jokes, dirty thoughts that haven't been in my mind much at all have suddenly come rushing back. I find myself thinking of swear words and innuendos in everything that I see.

Church and seminary, mostly reminders of repentance and how to truly take the sacrament, have reminded me, have pricked my heart. (That's why I love these verses so much.)

Maybe my sins are small, but they are still sins. They are still holding me back. And I need to break away from that.

a new happy medium

2010-01-28T21:35:00.002-07:00

So...the last few weeks have been very interesting for me.

I received a very unexpected church calling that I'll write about later. I know that's crazy, since there's not many things available to a 16-year-old girl, but it was definitely...startling. I feel unprepared, unsure, but I know that I can do it.

I have stopped trying to be perfect all the time. I'm trying to be the best I can, but I'm beginning to realize: I don't have to be something that I'm not for people to like me.

In fact, since the layers have begun to peel off, Leon has become my best friend. We spend tons of time together, and he totally gets me, which I love. I'm not worried about the whole "does he like me or not" thing, because it's totally platonic. And I like having that kind of relationship with a guy. Even if the people around us think that it's more...I like that it isn't.

The more 'real' I am, the more friends I have. I like it.

I have fallen in love with exercise again. Really. I love it, and that's not a joke. I may be sore...but I don't even mind.

And now, since I've just written a post about absolutely nothing, I'll just stop rambling and finish my homework. Really.

Grace and Mercy, Part 2

2010-01-08T16:58:00.007-07:00

The one at the end of Alma 42.

A day or so before, I had been reading my scriptures, and this one stuck out to me. My brother's lesson was still on my mind, and that seemed to fit it so well.

So while I was in seminary, we were supposed to read our scriptures for three minutes, and that's where I turned to. (It's currently in the header)

Suddenly, though, this one scripture became full of things that I could comment on, principles and ideas that I found from it.

What is full sway?

No excuses.

Let go and let God.

Ether 12:27.

All of these ideas were running through my head, making total sense. Like Joseph Smith described the Holy Ghost, "pure intelligence."

The next day in seminary, it turned out that this what our whole lesson was on: grace, mercy, and justice as explained in Alma 42.

We were deeply into the lesson, when it came to me:

Who am I to judge my father? If I want to be judged the way that I judge others, then why I am I doing this to him? I don't know the whole situation. I don't know whether he'll go to the celestial kingdom or not. And it's not my place to decide.

We continued with the lesson, then began to watch a video on mercy. (You've probably seen it before - President Packer narrates it.) Then it came to me:

Remember that story about the debts? (I know that's vague, but this post will never be finished if I have to take the time to find it.)

It's that parable in the bible - a man is in trouble with debt, and begs more time from the man he owes...but then he goes down to the little guy who owes him, and won't give him any more time, like what was done for him?

Well, that big guy who everybody owes is Jesus. The middle guy is me, and the little guy is my dad.

Jesus has given me all of the grace and mercy that I could ever ask for: He has freely given me eternal salvation.

Do I owe Him my heart? Yes. Do I owe Him everything I have? Without question. But can I pay more than that? Can I pay the full debt of the ramifications of my sins? I can't. But Jesus can and has, and will forgive the rest of my debt.

Well, my dad owes me for the pain he's caused, for many issues in my life.

But because Jesus has forgiven me, I must forgive my father. It is a requirement. It is grace and mercy and love and everything that the gospel is about. I must turn the other cheek.

Suddenly, the gospel became perfect in a way that it hadn't.

All of the complications going on, all of the things tearing at my heart just hadn't seemed logical. They didn't fit, and I had no clue what to do with the gaps, the senseless empty spaces.

Then the truth of the gospel, the perfection of Christ's Atonement, all fell into place: the perfect Tetris game, if you will.

A few of my burdensome lines have cleared, and I see that pure hope again. I know that I can make it through - it's still not easy, but it's manageable. It's possible.

And that's what grace and mercy are really about.

God will make everything okay.

Grace and Mercy, Part 1

2010-01-07T20:31:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I guess I'll post what's really been on my mind, since before I was just alluding to it...

My brother was teaching a lesson at church. His favorite topic, it seems, is grace and mercy, because before he left...well, we'll just say that he was a very different kid. He has definitely found this in his life.

So he was teaching this lesson, and he started explaining that because of the Atonement, because of what Jesus Christ did for us in that oh-so-important garden called Gethsemane, He can make everything okay. He understands, and He has the power to work it out.

As he taught this, he was looking at me straight in the eye. He was crying, I was crying, and the Holy Ghost was so strong in that room...because even though he doesn't know why, I know that my brother knew I was in need of that knowledge.

God will make everything okay. As he said those words, as we stared at each other, both deep in emotion and experience and holy testimony, his soul comforted mine.

See, this situation with my dad? It's complicated.

When you're growing up in an LDS family, you often hear the phrase "families can be together forever." And that's true - but it's implied that you need to get to heaven in order for that to work out.

See, for a family to be together forever? You all have to make it to the celestial kingdom. It's almost like an agreement - your parent will be there: will you?

But what happens if your parent hasn't kept up the deal? That doesn't seem right. Even though you did what you should, your parent didn't.

And that's hard doctrine. It is for me, at least.

So as my brother reached out to me, as we shared that moment, as those worries and frustrations came forward, the Spirit whispered...

God will make everything okay.

rambling, or ambling. not sure which.

2010-01-07T19:52:00.003-07:00

I am happy.

I am so, so happy.

Lately, I've just been realizing how blessed I am, how many opportunities I have.

Have I mentioned that one of my brothers is home from his mission? Because he is. And he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met.

You know how they say that going on a mission blesses your family? Well, before he left, we were not close at all. Now, two years later...I know that is the blessing that has come from it - we're way close.

He knows just what to say, just what to do - I have so much to learn from him. And he has blessed my life. So much.

I have some of the greatest friends possible. Supportive, uplifting...

Just today, every day lately...I don't know. I just feel great about stuff.

And New Years Resolutions? Well, I think they're lame. So my goal for the year:

Word of Wisdom.

Improving the whole vegetables/fruits vs. breads/meats

and...

Early to bed, early to rise.

Both are going to be kind of tough, and I haven't been doing well at all so far, but it's a goal. Not something that you break in the first week and forget about, but something that you work towards, even if it takes all year to get to that point.

Word of Wisdom. There you go.

so this is the new year...and i don't feel any different

2010-01-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

All I keep hearing is "good riddance of 2009" or "thank goodness the new year is here."

Guess what?

I loved 2009. It brought tons of change, changes that turned out better than I could have expected.

This past year, I was blessed. I am so grateful. I'm hoping this year is as good as the last was.

Music

2009-12-28T18:30:00.003-07:00

Yes, we've all had those FSOY lectures on choosing music.

There's those people who listen to hardcore rap and claim it doesn't affect them.

Then there's those people who "only listen to what the prophet would listen to."

What's my view? I would say it's considerably moderate.

My philosophy is that you will generally like most music, depending on what mood you're in. I also feel like that some moods require certain music. Music does affect your mood. It can help you work through it, ease the pain, lift your spirits...

Would I recommend this for your everyday listening? No. It's inappropriate to listen to heavier music like Metallica or Blue October all the time.

But when you're really angry and you need to blow off some steam? When you're crying and upset, and you need something to take the edge off?

Go ahead, listen to this a few times. For me, it makes me feel better. It expresses my feelings when I can't.

But when I'm really happy?

Throw on some of this. Dance along to some blaring Enrique.

When I'm deliriously happy, this is not cool. It's not the right time. It will bring me down.

So, what's my judgment? Most music, with minimum swearing/suggestive lyrics, is fine. But only at the right time.

(Like on Sundays, when this and this is my life.)

But anyways, enough plugging. There's my opinion. There you go.

what I love...

2009-12-27T20:44:00.004-07:00

You know what I love about living in Utah, about living in a community where so many people share my beliefs?

The Distribution Center.

In just a few minutes, I can get in my car and drive to a place where the cashiers call me Sister, where I can pick up these two posters for 2 dollars, because no one is looking for a profit. I love the Distribution Center because it reminds me of the Law of Consecration, the importance of paying tithing.

Today, my sister told me that this is basically her favorite scripture. It's beautiful. It's what I long for.

I hope for a world where I can leave my front door unlocked.

I hope for a world when I don't have to worry about others not having enough.

I hope for a world where all are happy together.

I hope for a world where the gospel of Jesus Christ is central to the lives of every single person around me.

I hope for a world where we all know the truth.

And I know that someday, that world will come.

*By the way - I am still contemplating Christmas. A Christmas post may come, but probably not today.*

Seminary

2009-12-19T12:13:00.003-07:00

This scares me. It absolutely terrifies me, actually. That release time seminary could be taken out of school, in this particular school district or any district. (I am aware that release time is a Utah program, by the way.)

I love Seminary. The blessings that it has brought into my life have been incredible, and I don't see how I could have received them in any other way.

During my time in Seminary, I have learned to listen to the Spirit. I have learned that being strong in the gospel, that having an outward testimony, is cool. (Which is something that being in my ward hasn't taught me, since everyone 'cool' either doesn't show up to class or spends the whole time not listening.)

I have learned so much about the scriptures and how to study them, which is something that we don't do in my home. I have learned how to find principles, how to apply them, how to make my life better from the study that I do.

I have discovered how strong my testimony is, and how to bear it. While it's nothing that I plan on doing in church, I love bearing my testimony in seminary. I love talking to many of my peers about the gospel.

I have learned how to bring the Spirit into my life. I have learned the true importance of daily scripture study and meaningful prayer. I have learned how to choose friends, how to make friends, how to be a friend.

Seminary has showed me who I am. By that introspection and promptings of the Spirit each school day, I have begun to learn who I am and what it is that I want. I have truly 'found myself' through Seminary.

Most importantly when referring to the article above, Seminary has helped me in my school work. When I'm having a rough day at school, I think to myself, at least I have Seminary soon. When I feel like my brain has been stuffed with every type of learning, I go to Seminary and gain greater understanding, because the Spirit has opened up my mind again.

Seminary calms me down for the day. It destresses me, makes the frenzy of school easier, puts the ups and downs of the day into perspective. Seminary is good for my mental health, essentially.

It's proposed that we all have Seminary before or after school. But do they think about how that would work logistically? Do they think about how that would work emotionally?

Personally, I don't think that I (with my schedule full of core classes) would be able to handle taking on another class. Mentally, I am not prepared for that.

And like it says in the hymn Praise to the Man, "sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven," which I know to be true. The class that I have 'given up' in order to take Seminary has brought me greater success in my schoolwork. I know that to be true.

I love Seminary. I love the everyday, breaking-up-the-monotony it provides. It makes me happy, and I pray that no one will take that away from me.

out of context

2009-12-13T21:14:00.003-07:00

Out of context, my recently-RM (returned missionary) brother would be shocked by these events:

Hanging out with a guy by myself, at my house, at one point taking my shirt off

Almost getting into a traffic accident that would have most likely killed me and two boys

Hanging out in a church parking lot with a guy, alone in my car - we went to "smoke weed" after midnight

Texting a guy who "never texts anyone" for over 5 hours - late, late, into the night

Getting high off of heptane, chloroform, and a few other select items

But my brother doesn't know the context of any of these situations, so I don't plan on telling him about any of these stories.

Since he's come home, he's also seen me do a bunch of things out of context:

Scratch my sister's back for no reason

Walk my ailing grandma from place to place

Feed my nephew while holding him and eating my own food

Dance my niece around until she gets dizzy

Glow

All of these things happened, but once you know the stories behind them, they're understandable.

But which person am I? In context, it gets too complicated. But out of context, my life is a jumbled mess of contradictions. My brother is just getting to know me again.

But what sister do I want to be to him? What kind of person do I want to convey to those around me? It's obvious which one seems better than the other.

But which one has more "fun"? Which one will probably get more "friends"?

I'm at a crossroads: what do I want? Am I going to follow Satan, or the Lord?

Enough of this fence sitting. I have to make a choice.

confusion

2009-11-29T21:43:00.003-07:00

I don't even know where to start.

I am frustrated, and things have lately become so complicated...

I realized that I'm in love with Leon. And I hate that, because Jessica is totally in love with him too. And I hate it even more because you can tell that Leon's partly in love with Jessica. They're really good together, too.

I don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking about this kid that I don't want to like in that way anymore. I want to stop obsessing about this thing that I can't have, this thing that I don't even want to be wanting. It's driving me insane.

My dad...is recovering. This is hard for me, because I've already started detaching myself, started to let him go. Now, he's almost ready to start working again, to go forward with life again, while I'm ready to go forward with life without him.

We were never really close in the first place, but now...this is difficult. I've started to let him go, and he wants to get closer to me.

My dad has been through bouts of sickness before: cellulitis, blood clots, sciatica, etc. But the Lord told me that this will be my last year with him. While it appears to everyone else that he'll just make it through like he always has before, my faith dictates that he won't.

While he seems healthy, I know that he won't be for much longer. And for all I know, I'm the only one who does know that. This is a rough spot to be in, especially because my faith is already hanging by a thread now.

Luckily, I transferred seminary classes, which has helped me immensely. Now that I have a teacher who actually teaches lessons by the spirit and from the scriptures instead of one who talks about football and just shows us Mormon Messages (not that they aren't good) and never talks about the Book of Mormon (this year's book of study), I am feeling a lot better about seminary and my faith.

I'm going through a rough time right now, but really one that I know only I and my Heavenly Father can work to get out of. No one else can help me through this, and I will work this out. I have to.

events

2009-11-12T19:31:00.005-07:00

in the past three weeks, i have...

turned sixteen
(although on my birthday i had a slight emotional breakdown)

got my driver's license
(after some trial and error that led me going to the dmv twice)

had swine flu
(no official diagnosis, but utah doesn't check anymore)

seen my dad rise to a bad, but stable, condition
(amputation sucks, and home health nurses are miracle workers)

stopped reading my scriptures
(the shift was so imperceptible. one day it had just...stopped.)

nearly stopped praying
(this is so inexplicable, why i am shutting God out. i don't understand it myself)

become a different girl
(i don't even know what else to write, what else to say. these three weeks...
everything has changed.)

Part 3: a glimmer of happiness.

2009-10-21T22:17:00.001-06:00

Today was incredibly difficult, going to school.

As I was walking to school, I was listening to my iPod. I had never noticed that one of the lyrics to the song I was listening to was "...that love is watching someone die." It was a little too close to home. I started thinking about my missionary brother, and how I absolutely cannot write him and explain this situation, because I don't want to get him worried if it turns out to be okay.

I was about to cry. I wasn't even at school yet, and I was about to cry. I was really angry, I did a little futile screaming at myself as I watched my breath float away on the October air. It was no use. Still, I held my tears in.

In science, a girl got mad at me because I corrected her test wrong. By this point, I was just numb. I didn't even feel anything.

On my way to history, Leon came up to me. We walked together in silence, and somehow he knew something was wrong. I muttered something about an emotional hangover, and he let it slide. But I knew he was worried.

I suffered through the day, until a friend in one of my classes started drawing things for me. He is an incredible artist, and he was showing me these incredible cartoons. I smiled. Then I laughed. I was no longer despondent - just extremely morose.

It continued on into my next class, in which I spent the entire duration flirting with some boy, but then, after lunch...it was gone.

Suddenly, I was about to start bawling in the hall. I talked myself through it again, making my emotions flat again. So was my face, and I spent the entire period numb again.

Leon came up to me again, walking me to my next class. He kept staring at me with this crazy look on his face, so I was nearly laughing again.

"What was that?" I asked. "It was so weird."

But then he said, "at least I got you to smile."

Part 2: partial acceptance. and pain.

2009-10-21T21:52:00.004-06:00

I got home, managed to hang out for awhile with the family, but barely restraining my emotions. After about half an hour, I couldn't take it anymore.

I rushed into my room, changing into basketball shorts and a hugely baggy sweatshirt - my comfort clothes, because it's essentially like wearing a blanket - I curled onto my bed. One knee in my stomach, in an almost-fetal position, it started.

I usually cry like a normal person, but this was different.

Tears came down, slowly, but the sobs had to come out too. These weren't loud, or emotional, or ridiculously drawn out - my body had to refuse the bad. My diaphragm pushed in and out automatically, huffs of air coming out, practically no sound. It was mechanical. I sat there, began to mutter a nonsensical prayer, murmuring pleas for understanding, for acceptance.

I cried. I prayed. I talked it out. I cried more.

When I woke up in the morning, my eyes still stung from the salt, my face swollen, my heart bruised.

Part 1: wincing. repeatedly. redundantly.

2009-10-21T20:44:00.005-06:00

Yesterday was really difficult for me, because I was with my dad.

I drove him to a nearby store where they will rent out crutches.

Later, he realized that he doesn't know how to use crutches, and they will be very difficult for him to use because of his other medical conditions.

It's tradition that every time we have frozen pizza for dinner, my dad puts it in the oven - even though we're totally capable of it ourselves.

Yesterday, I put my own pizza in the oven.

As the time in his tiny apartment went on, it started to get worse.

His La-Z-Boy suddenly broke. By broke I mean that occasionally, the footrest would suddenly go down about 6 inches.

Each time,
I winced.

He would limp around the apartment, sometimes using a cane, causing an uneven step.

Each time,
I winced.

Then the pains started. (My dad is also suspect to have this.) It means that once in awhile, he will get a shooting pain in his foot. At first it was about once every thirty minutes, and it slowly increased to once every five.

Each time,
he moaned or groaned.

Each time,
I winced.

Finally, it was time to go back to my mom's house. I drove, my ailing father in the passenger seat tilted and pushed almost as far back as possible. Groaning. Moaning. Wincing.

I kept my focus on the steering wheel, on the road, telling myself that if I focused, the tears would stay in my eyes. That if I focused, I wouldn't have a breakdown in the car. That if I focused, my suffering dad wouldn't see me suffering.

I pulled into the driveway, got out of the car, and as he hobbled around the front end of the car to take the driver's seat (I don't know how he drove himself home) he said in a low, strained voice:

"Pray for me."

I winced.

prayers...

2009-10-20T15:21:00.005-06:00

My dad has a hole in his foot.

Crutches? Yes. Prescriptions? Yes. Home care? Yes. Possibly surgery? Yes. This? I don't know. Hopefully not...but it is possible.

At this time, my family could use your prayers.

But much more than we do, this little boy and his family could use your prayers. They are family friends, and he will live. But he will have a long recovery, one that will require some divine assistance. He really, really needs it.

digging into the subconscious...

2009-10-08T22:27:00.003-06:00

In the past few days, I've been realizing my underlying feelings behind things.

For example: the reason that I'm in tears every time any respected adult shows some anger towards me? I subconsciously remember my stepfather's past verbal abuse, telling me that I will never be good enough. I think of my father screaming at me, the hate grating against my soul. And even though I don't realize that I'm thinking these things, I am automatically terrified of that adult. So I cry, because I think that they will use their power against me.

The most important realization, though, has been more spiritual than psychological. I have been having doubts about the gospel and the church, extreme and unshakable doubts, because if this church is true - and if God really does give us personal revelation - then I must accept the impressions that I have had that my dad won't be alive much longer. If I accept the gospel, then I have to accept the fact that it is part of the plan for my father to pass soon, even though I love him.

It's hard, but I can do it. I will do it.

hardship

2009-09-20T19:58:00.009-06:00

I've been playing piano since I was about seven years old, and I love it. But back when I took lessons, I got frustrated really easily. I hated practicing, so each new song was an arduous process. I was really lucky to have a patient teacher who never yelled at me. One of the things that I remember the most from that time was when I had to start using the pedal.

To keep the sound of the music flowing well, a good piano player will use the pedal: you hold it down with your foot for a specific amount of time, then quickly release it and put your foot back on it again. It takes a lot of practice to use the pedal, but it also has its advantages: many times, it covers up some of your mistakes, especially times that you couldn't quite move your fingers to the next keys fast enough.

I hated using the pedal, but my teacher always insisted on it. She would make me practice with it often, even though I complained about using it a lot. I would use the pedal as little as possible, trying to focus more on my playing than something I considered as just a cover-up.

After a few years of playing with the pedal, I had mastered it: but I still didn't really like to use it. However, because of this, I do something that most piano players do not: I don't use the piano pedal as a "crutch," or a way to cover up my mistakes. I can play just as well without the pedal as I can with it.

So where does this lead me? My whole life, I have been able to use the 'hardship' card, the excuses of "I can be mean today because I'm still upset from a fight from my stepdad" or "I don't have to try my hardest today because caring for my dad is stressing me out." The 'blended family' or 'poor background' labels have always helped me to get the things I want, have always given me pity where I didn't necessarily deserve it.

In the past few days, I have realized: I love using these excuses as a crutch. I rely on them as much as possible, and I depend on this sympathy to get what I want. This has been a gradual realization process, and I'm now getting a blow and realizing that maybe I'm not as big as important as I thought.

As I was beginning to fully realize this last night, I started listening to a talk on CD. It's about excuses, about using them to get by, when I realized: I don't need excuses. I am perfectly capable of obeying God's commandments and following Him without blaming all of my failures on things that happened long ago. I am in charge of my future and what I do, and I am the only one truly responsible. I really had a change of heart.

Before I was planning to go to bed tonight, I knelt in prayer. I asked for help with my dad, for the ability to bear whatever was put before me. (Let's put his health this way: it is my biggest desire to have him at my high school graduation.) I prayed for strength, because this past summer, I got a feeling of finality, a feeling of this is it. I don't know why, but I know that by next summer I will be forever changed, and I prayed for the ability to deal with it the best that I can.

I felt stronger, more empowered, and that's when I turned to my patriarchal blessing. I only read about half of it, but I got the reassurance that I need, that even though my testimony is shaky and things seem to be going wrong, I know that I am going to be okay. I know it. And I won't need any pedals to get me there.

So I was in Seminary... (it feels like a lot of my posts start out this way)

2009-09-09T20:32:00.014-06:00

First, though, I should probably explain my new seminary class: it is a lot of juniors and seniors, but not a lot of sophomores. So it's very different from what I'm used to, mainly that a lot of kids aren't into seminary, which is totally opposite from my class last year, but I still like it.

Anyway, my teacher first had us draw a scale from 1 to 10, and then plot where our troubles were, and where our blessings were. My numbers were around 7 and 9.

Then he started asking some people what their scales looked like. For each person that he asked, it was like 4/8 or 3/8 or even .5/9. So having a 7/9, I was feeling pretty awkward, and pretty glad that he never called on me.

But then he asked us to do something interesting: to form groups with the people sitting around us, and to share stories of when we knew that God loves us, and saw His hand in our lives.

One kid in my group talked about when his ADHD brother ran away, and then he was found. Another talked about when his mom accidentally OD'd on her medication, but it turned out okay.

Even though it was way personal, I started talking about when I was little and we decided to leave my dad. How we had nothing, but we never went hungry and never went without what we needed. How although it was really hard, it turned out to be worth it.

As I was sharing, I started to feel the Spirit really strongly, as in, this is what they need to hear, this is what you need to be telling. It felt so right, so perfect. I felt so good.

I get this feeling sometimes, and this is how I know that at some point in life, whether it's through missionary work or church service, I will be a teacher, that I will share my testimony of the gospel. It's crazy that I know this, but I also am so glad that I do. I feel so blessed to already sort of have a sense of direction, to know what the Lord requires of me.

thought process

2009-09-05T19:39:00.003-06:00

There has been a lot going on with me, but I just can't decide what to blog about, what to explain...so much has been going through my head lately, but I haven't really sorted it out yet. But I have to say...my biggest frustration is with school.

I am smart. This isn't me bragging or anything, it's just the truth - if it's related to school, I'm pretty much guaranteed to be good at it. As a girl, I am especially singled out because I am good in math and science, which I am very blessed with.

But I don't like it. I hate theories and theorems, facts and solutions, arguments and "truths" that I absolutely don't agree with. I can't stand the fact that nothing is actually proven or totally accepted, but that it is taught as if it was. (Such as evolution, human-caused climate change, etc.) Mostly, I cannot stand for the fact that there is no arguing with a math or science teacher: their hearts are not open.

For example: my chemistry teacher told me that I don't have to believe in the theories and ideas of science, especially if they don't correlate with my religious beliefs, but that if they seem to work, I should treat them as if I believe them. To me, this made no sense. If I am trusting in an idea, then I am putting faith into it. Putting faith into something implies that I believe it.

However, I couldn't tell my teacher this. His mind is already made up, and he will not change it because of something that I try to explain to him. He does not understand the heart of something in the way that I do.

I love history, english, geography. I love learning about people, why they do things the way they do, how to help them. I love sociology, psychology, anthropology - what my science teacher likes to call "soft sciences." I love politics, current events, debating. I also have talent in this area, but this is where people think that I am "wasting what I have been given."

Then there's the ultimate question: what do you want to be when you grow up? Most of the time I think social worker, occasionally thinking about something a little less emotionally demanding, but that's not my first answer. What I want more than anything in the world is to be a mom. (My perspective has changed a bit on this after an incredible talk at EFY and from reading this book.)

I love taking care of kids. I love holding babies, playing endless hours of 'ring around the rosy,' reading the same picture books over and over. I love kids, and people even comment on it occasionally - how my nieces so easily bond with me, the kids I babysit talk about me all the time, and I even had my pa from trek comment on it.

I have received a lot of flack on this from some of my friends, especially a girl friend I have who is Catholic/Jewish. Since I signed up for Young Democrats and FCCLA instead of FBLA and Spanish club like the rest of my friends, it is becoming glaringly obvious that I am different.

Yes, I am gifted with intelligence. But I don't want to be a doctor, a nurse, a scientist. I want to be a mother, a social worker, a friend, and a strong woman. Maybe this makes me different, maybe it sets me apart, but this is who I am. This is who I want to be.

awesome

2009-08-27T14:58:00.004-06:00

So, a lot has happened, but now that I am back in school, I will (hopefully) have a bit more time to blog.

In mid-August, I got to go to EFY at BYU. I had never been before, and it was absolutely amazing. It gave me the start that I needed to really get back into the gospel. I had an incredible experience there, which I know doesn't always happen, and I witnessed some awesome miracles. I know that probably doesn't often happen, either. I was blessed to be in an incredible session, and it was so fantastic. What is crazy to me, though, is that we weren't doing things that were totally ridiculous to get the spiritual high: we read the scriptures daily, prayed often, and acted in a way that we should. Still, it was a really great experience, and I definitely came back changed.

When I came back to EFY, I decided to continue in the good habits that I established there. I now read my scriptures for 20 minutes each morning, and I really study and try to learn from them. I pray more often and more fervently, and I try to focus even better. I am so much happier because of it.

I also started high school - I am a sophomore, and I love it. Although things are a bit awkward, I love where I am and I love what I am doing. I am actually excited, and I feel like things are definitely looking up for me.

a little bit of catch-up

2009-07-27T23:13:00.003-06:00

I'm just posting because I feel like I need to, to inform the world that I'm not dead or anything.

I recently had the opportunity to go on trek, which was amazing. My family was fantastic, and the things that I learned about myself and how I work with others, the spiritual knowledge I gained, made those four days in the hot sun absolutely worth it. I would not trade my trek experience for anything, because it was so important to me.

Five things I learned:

1. The more you serve, the happier you will be. I promise, even though it doesn't seem to make much sense.
In my trek family, everyone served each other, which wasn't always the case in other families. No matter what happened, we always loved each other, and we were always feeling fine.

2. If you give all you have, if you try your best, if you work your hardest, then you can count on the Lord to make up the difference. He will even make the most difficult tasks bearable.
I am not a very strong person, and though I worked hard to be physically ready for trek, I wasn't quite all the way there. I know that at some points it should have been harder than it was. I absolutely had help to have the strength that I needed.

3. God truly will answer your prayers in His own time.
I have been praying for over a month that I would soon have the opportunity to receive a priesthood blessing. After I had pretty much given up hope, our stake president pronounced a blessing on us all, as a stake. It was incredible, and worth the wait.

4. People can see things that you didn't even know you were projecting.
As our last family meeting, we all said positive things about each other. Although I didn't come in contact with any small children, my Pa knew of my strong mothering skills. (Not to brag, or anything...) Also, one of my brothers told me that he knew that I was kind the second he met me. I had no idea that that was going on.

5. Zion is when everyone is sharing, when no one is selfish.
When I was on trek, I never worried about eating someone's food, borrowing someone's blanket, using someone's sunscreen. I felt at peace, because I wasn't worrying about material things, but instead was focusing on things that really matter: family, spirituality, helping other people. This communal attitude definitely made it Zion for those few days.

I learned a lot, I felt a lot, and if anyone is reading this and debating trek, I would tell them to do it with a full heart and an open mind, a good attitude and definitely some sunscreen. It was amazing.