the end

When I started my blog with this incredibly embarrassing post, I intended this to be a glimpse into the life of the average Mormon teenager. Before mormon.org happened and Mitt Romney took the spotlight again, I wanted to give people an idea of what it was really like to be a Mormon.

What I didn't realize was that it would be my journey of how I left the church.

I've been having these feelings for awhile, and now I can't deny it: I don't believe this anymore. I will not be going to BYU like I planned. I will not be marrying an RM in the temple. I will not be staying in Utah.

Even though I'm currently in a relationship with Andrew, who left the church a few years ago, this has nothing to do with him.  This has everything to do with me. I don't hold a grudge against people who are still members of the church. I still believe in much of what the gospel is supposed to teach. I just can't stand being part of what the church ends up being.

I don't want to hear pleas about coming back. I have had enough of my ward and all of the false things I have been taught in Seminary. I would still encourage anyone to investigate the church and see if it's the right thing for them. I just know it's no longer the right thing for me.

Hi, my name is Que. I am no longer a Mormon.

HUGE update

I've been on three dates in the past week, and my dating life is getting really complicated.

I've spent the past two years of being of "dateable age" sitting at home on weekends, wishing I would be asked out more. Now, I am in the middle of some craziness.

Max and I hadn't talked for over a year, but we've recently started talking again. And by talking, I mean nonstop the entire time we're around each other. I love being around him because I feel so comfortable. It's so easy to be with him and around him, and...there's still something there.

Andrew and I are currently inseparable. Over the past two months, we have made up endless private jokes, and it's to the point where no one else even understands what we're talking about anymore. I like him. A lot. We aren't allowed to sit next to each other in any of our classes anymore because we spend the WHOLE time talking and laughing under our breath. We have yet to go on an official date though...

Sam and I have been on several dates, and he's pretty great. The first time we met, we immediately hit it off and made each other laugh. He's awkward sometimes, but he's a great person and he is so so sweet. Also, he refuses to let me pay for anything, which is funny/cute.

All of this dating/relationship stuff has made me wonder: why do I feel like my self-worth is dependent on how many dates I have been on in the past month?

I have contemplated this for awhile, and I realized that I go on more dates when I've been feeling especially confident. When I'm feeling good about myself, things just seem to work out better. And then when I've been going on dates, I feel even better about myself and therefore more confident, which leads to more dates.

Dating is weird.

church today was AWFUL.

I know this is old news to LDS adults, but...today President Benson's speech (SPEECH, not conference talk) To the Mothers in Zion was taught in my Laurel class. I have heard of women getting offended during a lesson and having to leave in tears, but until today, I thought they were exaggerating. There were only a handful of girls in the room, but I cried through the whole lesson and almost walked out (why my teacher didn't stop, I don't know).

I have been raised on President Hinckley's talks of getting education and family planning my entire life. When I listened to this talk, I felt like my dreams were being ripped away, like all of those positive statements had been lies. Also, as a child of a mother who has always worked, I felt dirty. Hearing that a mother needs to be home after school, that she must be there to make lunches and clean house 24/7, made me feel like I came from a second-class family.

Today, I officially became a Mormon feminist. Today I realized how prevalent the attitude is that women need to hurry and get married and then birth as many babies as humanly possible. I want to be a wife and mother, but those are not the only things I want. I am a daughter of God. My identity is not just "woman". I am not defined by my reproductive system.

Today, I realized how much I truly crave an education. I want to go to college and get a master's degree, if possible. I want a career. I want a full and balanced life, and while that will include children, it will not be entirely comprised by it.

Thank you, President Benson, for helping me to realize exactly who I want to be. Barefoot and perpetually pregnant is not it.

post-conference thoughts

Conference was pretty great, but I just have to talk about something that bothered me.

I'm thinking about Sister Dalton's talk (a short summarizing video is here). Her talk was directed to men about what they can do to better raise their daughters. I do think this talk was timely and that it was probably helpful to many men, but...as a girl whose father is not involved, it was a very difficult speech to sit through. It was also a difficult speech to sit through when it was shown again in YW.

A large part of grieving my lack of dad is understanding what I'm really missing out on. As a little kid, I didn't understand that the other kids my age saw their parents every day, or that they wanted to be with their dads all the time. Sister Dalton's talk really hammered in the dad I've always been missing out on.

When we watched this talk in YW, everyone was crying by the end of it. Everyone else said they were crying because they love their dads so much. I just stayed quiet.

this is not about 9/11 - sorry.

I am overwhelmed by the thought of adulthood. I am terrifed by the choices and changes I will be making in the next few months. These are choices I make for myself - not for my mother or my brother or anyone else - but because I believe they will make me happy.

It is so scary that I cry every time I think about it, that every day of this all-important senior year brings me one step closer to living on my own. I don't know who I will be living with next September. I also don't know where I'll be living or what college I'll be attending.

I have made huge decisions this month. I have decided to read the entire Old Testament instead of the "selections" that the church suggests for this year of study in seminary, and am finished with the Pearl of Great Price and Genesis (I know, I need to pick up the pace a little). I have made the (tentative) decision to go to BYU. I have a new job. I have lost more than ten pounds. I have made the firm decision to not fight to stay in Young Women (because I could probably talk my bishop into it) and will be moving into Relief Society next month. I have made the choice to cut off all contact with my dad.

This is all so heavy, so important, so life-changing, and I am just feeling so overwhelmed.